Square one.. I hope not.
I think I'm back at square one... I sure hope not though, because I cannot handle 2 more years like the ones I just went through.
I've decided to put returning to Sudan on hold for the time being. Those closest to me say that they saw this coming, but I honestly didn't. Since January I've had serious bouts of insomnia, horrible dreams when I do sleep, and anxiety when I'm awake. It's been awful. I couldn't get to the root of it, and as a discerning and self aware person, that drove me crazy.
I'm not afraid of returning to Sudan, so far away from home, for 14 months. I'm not afraid of the unpredictability of the political situation over there, or getting sick, and I was more than ready to try something new... so why the anxiety? I just couldn't figure it out.
Last weekend, like I said in my previous post, I helped at a retreat and the Lord really began to move in my heart. My friend Ryan spoke a couple sermons that woke something up inside of me.
First Ryan taught about Gideon, and how Gideon was found threshing wheat in a wine press. He was hiding.. and some of the things that stuck out in Ryan's sermon (without re-telling the whole thing) were:
*Gideon felt trapped by his circumstances.
*"An angel of the Lord appeared to him"- We don't find God, He finds us
*God's plan is bigger than we ever imagined. How am I limiting God?
*"Victory in Jesus"- You can't have victory without a battle
*We look at where God is calling us as a tragedy- the cross wasn't a tragedy, it was an achievement
*God's power is bigger than my excuses
It's not that I feel like I'm running from Sudan, but instead, that I'm running TO Sudan to avoid God's calling on my life. Only I would be crazy enough to run to a third world country, on the brink of war in order to avoid something God has told me.
For the last 2 years I've been terrified of rejection. Fearful that I imagined God's calling on my life, and that I'm not good enough to pursue that "dream job." I've been limiting God, or avoiding Him altogether, only I convinced myself that I wasn't, by deciding to go to Sudan. I mean, it sounds a lot better when people ask me what I'm up to these days, "Oh I'm going to Sudan to teach orphans and serve God." Rather than, "Oh you know, nothing. Got my masters degree, now I'm doing nothing with my life!" It makes no sense why I wouldn't choose the path that makes more sense... Sudan vs. a big fat path to uncertainty.
I will say though, that I have a huge amount of peace since asking the Lord for more clarity. I've put my plans on hold, completely willing to go to Sudan if I'm certain that's where the Lord wants me, but waiting for that direction. So here I am back at square one... only, one of my good friends reminded me that 2 years ago, I never would have had the courage to go to Sudan. Because I said "yes," perhaps the Lord will begin opening doors to something greater than I ever imagined. I'm tired of wasting my life though.
I leave for camp in 2 1/2 weeks and I really can't wait.
I'm praying for direction and clarity, and a summer spent close to the Father, serving and loving others.
I've decided to put returning to Sudan on hold for the time being. Those closest to me say that they saw this coming, but I honestly didn't. Since January I've had serious bouts of insomnia, horrible dreams when I do sleep, and anxiety when I'm awake. It's been awful. I couldn't get to the root of it, and as a discerning and self aware person, that drove me crazy.
I'm not afraid of returning to Sudan, so far away from home, for 14 months. I'm not afraid of the unpredictability of the political situation over there, or getting sick, and I was more than ready to try something new... so why the anxiety? I just couldn't figure it out.
Last weekend, like I said in my previous post, I helped at a retreat and the Lord really began to move in my heart. My friend Ryan spoke a couple sermons that woke something up inside of me.
First Ryan taught about Gideon, and how Gideon was found threshing wheat in a wine press. He was hiding.. and some of the things that stuck out in Ryan's sermon (without re-telling the whole thing) were:
*Gideon felt trapped by his circumstances.
*"An angel of the Lord appeared to him"- We don't find God, He finds us
*God's plan is bigger than we ever imagined. How am I limiting God?
*"Victory in Jesus"- You can't have victory without a battle
*We look at where God is calling us as a tragedy- the cross wasn't a tragedy, it was an achievement
*God's power is bigger than my excuses
It's not that I feel like I'm running from Sudan, but instead, that I'm running TO Sudan to avoid God's calling on my life. Only I would be crazy enough to run to a third world country, on the brink of war in order to avoid something God has told me.
For the last 2 years I've been terrified of rejection. Fearful that I imagined God's calling on my life, and that I'm not good enough to pursue that "dream job." I've been limiting God, or avoiding Him altogether, only I convinced myself that I wasn't, by deciding to go to Sudan. I mean, it sounds a lot better when people ask me what I'm up to these days, "Oh I'm going to Sudan to teach orphans and serve God." Rather than, "Oh you know, nothing. Got my masters degree, now I'm doing nothing with my life!" It makes no sense why I wouldn't choose the path that makes more sense... Sudan vs. a big fat path to uncertainty.
I will say though, that I have a huge amount of peace since asking the Lord for more clarity. I've put my plans on hold, completely willing to go to Sudan if I'm certain that's where the Lord wants me, but waiting for that direction. So here I am back at square one... only, one of my good friends reminded me that 2 years ago, I never would have had the courage to go to Sudan. Because I said "yes," perhaps the Lord will begin opening doors to something greater than I ever imagined. I'm tired of wasting my life though.
I leave for camp in 2 1/2 weeks and I really can't wait.
I'm praying for direction and clarity, and a summer spent close to the Father, serving and loving others.
posted by Molly | 8:09 PM
4 Comments:
Dear Molly-
Even four summers later, I'm still learning things from you.
The true story is you're braver and more brilliant now than you've ever been. I'm excited about the place the Lord is going to place you, because the world needs a little Molly Bostelman.
It's hard to be brave in the midst of uncertainty but you're doing a great job Molly. I continue to ponder what I'm going to "do" with my life but with the help of my therapist I'm starting to feel more clarity that it's not about doing but being. How I do what I do is more important than the list of what I've done. Be strong in yourself and whatever you do will be a blessing to others and yourself.
Dear Molly, I've just started reading your blog and I'm very inspired by it. I think you're doing a great job! x
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