pride.

I am not a person that does well under pressure. Things like anger or frustration or passion fuel me to do better, but not stress and the pressure of possibly failing. In 11th grade, one of my swim coaches stood at the end of my lane yelling his head off during the district 100m fly event. He really wanted me to make a specific time so it would quality for regionals. There was so much pressure on that event, that I freaked and totally got my butt handed to me by a chick I'd beaten all season on my team. When she started to pull ahead of me in the race, my heart sank as I watched my Coach switch to her lane so he could yell in her face at the turn. Maybe it was the pressure or maybe it was his scary face at the end of my lane, I dont know, but I'm pretty sure it was the pressure.

BUT then I remember this one time one of my teammates was talking smack about how much better she was than me (and honestly, more times than not, she was)... and I still remember letting her know I'd heard what she said.. but I didnt get all upset and tell her off, which is totally what I normally would have done. Instead, that friday at our swim meet, I confidently stood on the block listening for the announcer to start our race. I looked ahead to the wall, saw my parents sitting on the pool chairs at the end of my lane, and knew that I absolutely was going to make this chick eat her words. I definitely did. The race was the 50 free. That race is always a close one because it's so short. I am defnitely a butterflyer.. freestyle wasn't my best stroke at all.. but when I slammed into the wall, giving my all during the entire race, I remember immediately picking my head to look at how close the race was, and hoping i'd beat this dumb girl who talks smack. It was then, as I ripped my goggles and swim cap off, that I realized I'd not only beat that girl, but I'd beat everyone else too... sure I'd won races before... but not by 1/4 of the pool, at least not in that particular race. The girls were just coming in under the flags or still had half a lap to go as I finished my race. I remember looking at my parents and my dad was on his feet standing in disbelief at how well I'd done. Then I saw that smile on his face, that I'd never forget. He was proud of me.

the smack talker came up and apologized to me and congratulated on my swim.
I dont do well under pressure, but put some anger or some passion behind it, and I'm driven.

I think it's a confidence thing. If I'm confident about something, I usually do really well at whatever I'm trying to attempt. If I'm not confident, then it's usually not pretty. The last summer I swam summer league, I was the oldest person on my team. Our neighborhood started a new team and my sister and I were practically recruited by different people on the board. Being the oldest, I was definitely more confident. I ended up being the MVP on the team for that season, and I know it's because of the confidence I felt. I didn't hold back. When I'm confident, I don't hold back.

It's hard though when your confidence turns to pride.
Pride is so evil and all consuming.
Pride affects how I look at others. How I treat others. How I ask for help.
Pride mostly affects my relationship with God.
When I'm prideful, I pretty much act as if I don't need Him.
Pride is dangerous.

I dont know how to fight pride in my life. In areas where I'm too prideful, I act like I don't need God... and in others where confidence is completely lacking, I act like He's not big enough. It's a hard line to walk.

Right now, I'm realizing all the ways that pride is holding me back from being a loving person, from being the person I know God created me to be. I'm also realizing the detrimental effect that not being confident can create... it makes me seek human approval, it makes me feel uncomfortable around other people, it makes me hate myself. It's sad. I wish I knew how to be confident without being prideful.

I say that I am nothing without Him, but I'm not living that way. I either think that I'm awesome and don't need Him... OR Satan tells me that I'm definitely nothing and don't deserve Him. It's hard to escape that mindset.

So, I've been reading alot of scripture lately in hopes of finding that perfect balance.. remembering that I'm fearfully and wonderfully made and that God loves me, but also that I was a sinner, condemned to die, but because of grace alone, He saved me. My confidence shouldn't be from my own abilities and achievements, but instead because of who Christ is in me. Anything good in me, anything good that's happened in my life, isn't because of anything I've done but because of Christ living in me.

And the fact that God chose me, to love me and call me His child, should spur me on to live confidently. I don't know why He picked me, but He did. To not have confidence in myself is to act like God isnt good enough, to act like his creation, me, is beyond His saving reach.

Confidence leads to pride, but so can a lack of it. Interesting.

Anyway, dont know why I'm sharing this. I'm just realizing the ways I've let pride consume my heart these last few months... sin is a tricky, messy thing. Sometimes its obvious. Sometimes it starts as something small, and then spreads like cancer, sometimes at as slow agonizing pace and others it's rapid like a wildfire.

Show me the fire hydrant and lets put this fire out.