Meet Virginia.

So I've been home for about a month now. woo. I'm still looking for a job, although I have to admit, I haven't been trying as hard as I know I could. Mostly, I just don't know what the heck I'm doing with my life! haha. I went to a job interview the other day and I seriously felt sick during the whole thing. The interview went fine I guess. I was really nervous, but mostly as they were asking me all these questions all I could think about was that I had just spent the last 6 years of my life studying theology and student ministry... so that I wouldn't ever have to have a job that I wasnt passionate about, so that I wouldn't ever have to sit behind a computer screen working a ridiculous 9 to 5. I know I'm capable of doing the job that I interviewed for... but why? I don't know if I'll get offered the position. I mostly feel like I left neither a good nor a bad impression. A non-impression per se. It's hard to focus on smart and witty answers when your hands are shaking and you want to cry. haha. My hearts just not been into this job search.... so I'm changing directions. Lets pray that I find what I'm looking for, what God desires for me, and that I don't settle. I have amazing parents who are trying really hard to be supportive.. but I also have two sisters who are completely rocking the real world and I am just paralyzed with fear over the fact that after years and years of my parents support, I might end up to be a disappointment.

I realized today that I'm struggling to trust the Lord, to trust that my calling into ministry was real and that He will provide for me. I feel like I have just made too many bad decisions, fallen into too many sins, disobeyed too often; so much so that I am undeserving of His blessings, undeserving of His care and love. 6 years of theology tells me that He loves me unconditionally-- but sometimes your brain tells you one thing and your heart screams out another. The only reason I was looking for typical northern virginia jobs was because I wanted to make money to pay off my seminary loans quickly, I wanted to make money so my parents wouldnt worry about me and I wouldn't have to depend on them. I constantly worry about money.. which is soooo lame. I always have enough, aside from school, I'm not in debt and I know my parents would never let me be homeless. So my changing directions and looking in different places for positions, it's me trying to step out in faith to say that I know I was called into ministry and I know because of that calling, the Lord will provide.. somehow.

Anyway... aside from that ridiculousness...
It's good to be home. I've gotten to see my sisters a couple times since coming home and have had PLENTY of hangout time with the parental unit. I still have a couple friends that are still in Stafford and the ones that are here are incredible. It's been fun to catch up and live life with people that I've had long distance friendships with for the last 3 years. One of my best friends in the world Jessica is home from Iraq for a couple weeks and that's been great. I didn't realize how much I worried about her, since I'm always trying to be hopeful and positive about the situation.. but when I saw her for the first time, I felt as if I was finally able to breathe a huge sigh of relief. How the heck am I going to let her go back to that awful place in a couple weeks?? I'm telling you, that alone is enough to make me vote for Obama. ;) I like to nickname the democrats' plans to schedule a pullout date for us in Iraq as the "Bring Jess Home plan." I like it.
(haha please dont comment about politics on my blog or I will just laugh at you.)

Since I have soooo much free time, I've gotten to read a lot, catch up with old friends, and check out some awesome new music. Right now I'm listening to Jimmy Needham who rocks, and Charlie Hall's new CD is pretty much the hotness. Music makes everything better. Who needs a job when you have music??

So anyway, that's me.. for the 1 person that reads this.

I'm trying not to be discouraged. I'm trying to trust in His unfailing love and faithfulness. I'm trying to wait and be patient in SO MAN Y different areas of my life... and to not be sad if they're not turning out the way I very much hoped they would. I'm trying to get to the root of my doubt and feelings that He's not close. Perhaps there is a sin in my life that needs to be addressed? Perhaps I'm not in the Word as much as I should? Maybe its a bunch of different things. OR... maybe I'm just looking past Him. It's funny how sometimes we miss the most obvious things, things that are right in front of us.

He is so good. He always provides, even if its not how I expected. I saw the Lord do great and mighty things this summer in the lives of my students... there's no reason that same God that reached down and healed the broken, that brought the prodigal home, that brought healing and peace; there's no reason that same God can't continue to mold my broken, sinful heart into something that He is proud of and someone He wants to use to bring glory to His name and to take hope to a broken world.

So I wait.

"Who will save me from this death
Who will save me from this death
Jesus won.
Jesus won, filled the divide
All glory, all honor be to the God that filled the divide."