Resolved.

"Heal my heart and make it clean. Open up my eyes to the things unseen, and show me how to love like You have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks Yours. Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause, as I walk from earth into eternity."

Once or twice a week at camp this past summer, and whenever Seth invites me to lead worship with the Seth Medley Band, we usually sing the song, "Hosanna." Now the frequency of which I sing that song might be that Seth only has faith in my ability to sing lead on that particular song, as opposed to asking me to try some other ones, OR it could be that that's just a really powerful song... either way, I don't mind singing it. The second verse, about seeing a generation rising up to take its place with selfless faith, is incredible to sing over students, and then the bridge (posted above) is always so convicting.

Or is it?

Convicting: to convince of error or sinfulness

As a Believer, if I'm truly feeling convicted, shouldn't it cause some kind of reaction? Shouldn't conviction make me so uncomfortable that I can't help but need to do something about it?

break my heart for what breaks Yours

You might not know this about me, but I am addicted to pop culture. Yep, it's true. I can tell you who is dating whom. Who is caught up in what scandal, and what they wore on the red carpet. I read people magazine, watch E!, check gossip websites all the time. Why? Who the heck knows, because I certainly don't know those people... affairs, people chasing wealth and selfish ambition, scandal, impurity...

break my heart for what breaks Yours.

The other day I went looking for this $150 pair of shoes that I was going to buy with the money my parents gave me for Christmas. $150! WHAT THE HECK?! I didn't buy them... but I actually thought about it, which is bad enough for me. I've seen poverty with my own two eyes. I've seen the slums in Mumbai, India. I've stood in the mud hut of an African family, and seen the distended bellies of hungry, malnourished children...

break my heart for what breaks Yours.

I find myself constantly trying to chase after what our culture deems as "normal" and "expected," knowing full well I would be settling. I've put myself in situations where I'm looking for the approval of Man, thus making him my God. Idolatry at its finest...

break my heart for what breaks Yours.

I see homeless people begging on the side of the road and avert my eyes...

break my heart for what breaks Yours.

I have avoided difficult conversations because of my hate of confrontation, knowing I probably missed the opportunity to share Christ with someone...

break my heart for what breaks Yours.

I've laughed at or even told inappropriate jokes of whose topics I wish I was still naive to...

break my heart for what breaks Yours.

This isn't some confession blog post, though it may seem like it. Those of you who read my blog and know me well, already know that I am so far from perfect, but with the new year, as people are shouting out their resolutions left and right, I find in myself a desire to know Him more this year, and to allow God to infiltrate some of the darkest corners of my heart... to shed light on the fears and insecurities, the anger or uncertainty that I've allowed to linger, and to grow.

Ugh.. I'm getting scared just typing that, and acknowledging those dark places where sin is growing.

I know, that when we ask God to do something, He hears us... I'm afraid of how painful this process might be.

Passion 2011 is going on in Atlanta this week, and it makes me so sad that I'm not there. I've been to every Passion event since I was a sophomore in college. Passion has had a huge impact on my life and walk with Christ, and so to live closer to the event than ever before, and have to watch it online, just kills me! BUT praise the Lord it's streamed online!

Tonight, in Louie Giglio's opening sermon he preached on how it is possible to be free and fully alive.

Free and fully alive.

To be free and fully alive in the here and now, not waiting for some milestone in my life or some loud word from God, not after I meet some hot boy with big muscles, or look a certain way, not after I pay a certain penance for past sins or express conviction or guilt in a satisfactory manner, but to be free and fully alive TODAY, RIGHT NOW.

As Louie spoke, I prayed that God's presence would be so strong in my life that it might drown out the desires of everything in my life that isn't about God.

Whoa.. that's a lot of drowning going on in my life... an oceans worth.

"If Your grace is an ocean, we're all sinking."

Louie talked about Jonathan Edwards and how one of his resolutions in life was simply, "I resolve to live for God."

I choose Jesus, because He first chose me.

A person living for Christ, can die at 30, having lived a thousand more lifetimes than a person who lives to be 85, but spent their time on earth chasing their own glory.

"God is most glorified when I am most satisfied in Him."

"The glory of God is man, fully alive."

Breathe on me, Jesus, a new beginning. Let Your voice rise up among all the other voices in my life. Let me hear it, and know it is You. Break my heart for what breaks Yours...