Rest.

I look to You,

I see the scars upon Your hands,

that hold the truth, that when I can't You always can

And standing here, beneath the shadow of the cross,

I'm overwhelmed that I keep finding open arms.

What love is this that You gave Your life for me

and made a way for me to know You

and I confess You're always enough for me

You're all I need

Jesus in Your suffering, You were reaching

You thought of me.

What love is this that You gave Your life for me

and made a way for me to know You

and I confess You're always enough for me

You're all I need....

                                            "What Love  is This"

                           Kari Jobe

The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help.

He rescues them from all their troubles. 

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted,

He rescues those whose spirits are crushed. 

The righteous person faces many troubles, 

But the Lord comes to the rescue each time.

Psalm 34:17-19

I have set the Lord continually before me;

Because He is at my right hand, 

I will not be shaken...

You will make known to me the path of life;

in Your presence is fullness of joy.

Psalm 16:8,11a   

Oh great God, give us rest

We're all worn thin from all of this

At the end of our hope, with nothing left

Oh great God, give us rest 

Could You take a song and make it Thine,

From a crooked heart twisted up like mine?

Would You open up Heaven's glory light?

Shine on in, give these dead bones life.

Shine on in, give these dead bones life.

                                                "Oh Great God, Give Us Rest"

                                   David Crowder Band

I haven't been sleeping well lately at all.  Most people who know me know that that is not just bad news for me, but it's bad news for everyone I come in contact with.  :)  Sometimes it's not so bad... like tonight when I was out with my friends, and my tiredness made me so crazy I laughed at pretty much everything.  Sometimes when I'm sleepy, it ups my hilarious awesomeness.

Usually, when I go through bouts of insomnia like this though, it's because I'm feeling anxious about something.  Um yes, that's definitely the case.   I'm feeling anxious about a lot of things right now.  I'm feeling pretty lost and confused about what's next, and how I found myself here.  I try to find distractions and I obsessively over think everything.... like yesterday when I worked out twice (me?!), just because I needed to think. I mean, that works well for my endeavor of being a supermodel, but running and doing sit ups until I felt like I was going to die wasn't really helpful in the big picture.

I know the Lord is trying to get my attention, and I know that during this particularly trying chapter in my life, that He is here.  He has been ever-present, consistent, steadfast, and gracious in the loving kindness He has been pouring out upon me lately, and I'm so grateful for that.  In the shadow of the cross, I'm ashamed that I doubt Him or that I allow the worries that this world presents, distract me from Him.  I'm ashamed that at night I allow fear to consume me to the point of feeling hopeless.  I'm ashamed that I let the matters of my heart overwhelm me, thinking that He isn't in the midst of it all. "Cast Your cares upon Him, for He cares for you."  I feel a lot of shame in how weak my faith is, but I am so grateful that His mercies really are new every morning.  

The lyrics to that first song I posted say, "I confess You're always enough for me.  You're all I need."  I wish it was true, but actually, I should probably say, "I confess that I don't always allow You to be enough for me... but I know You are.  You're all I need."  Praying that that confession becomes real to me these next few days as I make some decisions.  Praying that I can just give this worry over to Him, and act upon the things He's allowing to stay constantly in the forefront of my mind, not to torture me, but because they need to be dealt with.  "Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good.  His love endures forever."

"You steady my heart..."

I'm doing a terrible job at updating my blog...

I didn't even post my favorite Yearly Recap for New Years!

Things have been super busy to say the least.

I left to go home for Christmas on Thursday, December 22nd.  Wednesday, December 21st also ended up being my very last day at Red Bank.  Just a few days before, I had felt the Lord leading me to resign from my job on staff there.  It was a really difficult decision to make, but I have peace knowing that it was the right decision.  Its been super sad to not see my students, but as much as this was a plan for my life, this was His plan for theirs as well.

The Lord knows us better than we know ourselves, and He knows how much I can handle, and the fear that these chapters of uncertainty can cause in my heart.  Everyday when I feel panic begin to rise in my chest, I feel His presence and peace overwhelm me.  I'll find a new job.

Last week I went to the Passion Conference in Atlanta.   Again, this is yet another way the Lord has taken care of me.  What an encouraging and uplifting few days that was.  There were 45,000 people in the Georgia Dome!  I'll never forget looking out at everyone, hands lifted high in worship.  It was beautiful and sucked the breath right out of my lungs.  God is big and His glory is worth any sacrifice I might have to make in order to follow Him.  I was so encouraged by the messages brought by John Piper, Beth Moore, Francis Chan, and Louie Giglio... and oh-holy-night Christine Caine spoke on human trafficking, and I thought my heart was going to rip out of my chest.  It was powerful.  The conference was great!

*not to mention how awesome it was to see Hillsong United again, or to be present for David Crowder Band's last time playing together.

Right after Passion, I went home, went to bed at 9pm, and woke up early the next morning to head to South Carolina with Seth and the band to sing with them at a Disciple Now.  I was tired.  I ended up losing my voice almost as soon as we got there.  I was overwhelmed by the things I didn't have the chance to process at Passion.  Maybe I should have stayed home.... BUT I'm grateful the Lord allowed me the opportunity to go.  I might have been a little bit emotional and sensitive offstage, but it was an honor to stand before students crying out to Him as we led them in worship.  Seth did such a great job, I think I got saved again one night (I kid, I kid!)  I love those boys, and I love seeing them use the gifts the Lord has given them.  It's also always great to see students we met at camp, and to reconnect in those relationships.

Now, I'm back in Chattanooga trying to figure out what's next.  I'm grateful for my parents' support and encouragement and patience..... my sisters have got it all together, what the hey diddle diddle is up with me?!  Pray for me.  Of their three daughters, I'm the one who talks the most about my faith in God, and yet I'm the one who seems to be the most lost.  I hate that... but I know the Lord is trying to teach me something through this. Just gotta keep moving forward.

Here are some pictures from Passion:

Opening Session of Passion 2012

The picture absolutely cannot adequately describe how overwhelmingly beautiful that sight was to see!

 

John Piper spoke in my Community Group one morning, so I got there early and sat right up front.

I was pretty stinkin excited!

Woohoo for camp reunions.  These are 3 of the guys from the band from my summer of '06 at Fuge.

I hadn't seen them in FOREVER and so it was GREAT that we randomly bumped into each other in the massive crowd.  So happy at Hillsong United!

Seth, Allison, and me having fun in the upper deck.  Not gonna lie, it was beautiful to see everyone dancing and jumping during worship, but when the ground shakes, and you're that high up, it's a little scary!

Louie speaking at the closing session... ya know the one where he told us we raised 3.3 million dollars to the cause of freedom from human trafficking!  My heart broke over the stories and statistics we heard  throughout the conference.  It was awesome to see the response of people when they heard about it.