Sunday nights

Sunday nights are my favorite night of the week.

Every Sunday, I make the almost 20 minute drive to my church, twice. Obviously, I head over there in the morning for Sunday school with my students and then church, and then I usually make my way back home for a nap (so good!), and head back to the church for small groups that evening.

From 6-7, my students are in their various small groups, growing in their faith and in community with other believers. It's awesome to watch the high school girls come bounding down the stairs, talking and laughing after a great small group time; or to hear the CRAZY middle school boys acting, well, like crazy middle school boys; or to hear the middle school girls talk about how excited they are to see what Ms. Debbie has planned for them that night. It's my favorite part of my job, being a part of discipling teenagers, and encouraging our volunteers.

As if that weren't enough fun for one day...

After small groups end, I run to my car to make it back to the other side of town before 8, to meet up with Rebecca and the guys as they're finishing packing up their gear from leading worship at their church's night service.

Since moving here, I've really begun to experience what it means to "do life together" (outside of the camp world) with a group of like minded Christ-followers. I love these people so much. Every Sunday, after we've all had long days serving at our churches, we hop in our cars and head out somewhere to eat dinner together. These meal times are precious to me! So much can happen while a group of people break bread together. We laugh, oh man do we laugh! We argue... usually about theology or politics. We plan and dream about the possibilities of the future. We encourage one another in the things we're facing. We probably annoy everyone around us, because we're a little rowdy sometimes. We talk about our weekends, and the weeks we're facing.

It's a great time, and like I said, my favorite night of the week. I am blessed beyond words for the community the Lord has given me here in Chattanooga, for the people He has placed in my life that serve as constant reminders that I am surrounded by people who love me, and encourage me, and challenge me on the regular.

This weekend our friend Ryan was in town, and after lunch as we headed to our cars on Friday, Rebecca and I were walking ahead of the guys, and I sighed and said, "It really feels like I've always been here." As much as I miss my family and friends back in Virginia, everyday, more and more, Chattanooga is beginning to feel like home... and that is an excellent feeling.

My mom used to sing this to me when I was little, although she didn't sound quite as creepy as this great version from the Civil Wars!

Last Weekend, in Lexington, TN

So, last weekend, Alex's wife Rebecca had a late class, but wanted to go with the band to Lexington, TN (about 4 hours from Chattanooga, in between Memphis and Nashville) to hangout and to teach a Bible study for FBC Lexington's D-Now weekend. Once the Sethenater approved it, I decided to tag along, so Becca didn't have to drive by herself. We had a great time talking and laughing in the car, and I was grateful for the time spent with my friend. We're usually surrounded by 4 or 5 boys whenever we hangout, so it's always good to get in some quality Rebecca time!

We got to Lexington about 45 minutes before their first large group session, and found out we were leading and staying with a group of middle school girls. OH SNAP. Rebecca's first d-now, and she's coleading with me, who thinks middle school girls are strange aliens (I kid, I kid!), this could be interesting. I was surprised to see that up on stage with the band stuff, was an extra microphone..I thought I was just riding with Becca and leading Bible study, but I got to sing with the boys too!

It was a great weekend and the students at this church were great. Their youth pastor seems to challenge them so much, which was awesome to see! I laughed so hard at the girls in mine and Becca's house. They were so much fun, and I was super impressed with their spiritual maturity and love for the Lord and one another. I'm usually with high school girls at D-Now's but I was glad for this group.

We left Lexington at like 11pm and drove back to Chattanooga Saturday night. We lost an hour in the time change, and I got home around 3:30am. I was craaaaazy tired at church the next morning, but so glad I went!

Alex's onstage reminder of Rebecca

Steve and SMB's newest member, John!

Drew in his big giant cage. He's dangerous if we don't put him in there.

Sethenater and his swoopy bangs

Becca and me and our lovely group of girls!

This week has been pretty great so far!

On Tuesday, I had a meeting after school for some of my students to come and start planning the Spring Retreat... and so since that meeting, I've been working on taking their ideas and thinking of how we can make them come in to fruition. Alex even came to the meeting to hangout, which meant a lot to me, because he definitely didn't have to.

I don't know how much I've shared about this retreat, but basically, in the past they've had a guy and a girl in my job position, and so they've done guys and girls retreats. Well there's only one of me, and I am not a guy... plus I wanted it to be a little bigger than just a small group retreat. Sooo the first weekend in March, we're going to a camp about 45 minutes away, and my favorites, the Seth Medley Band will be leading worship, and our friend Ryan Warren is coming in from Texas to preach. I just know this retreat has SO MUCH potential. I'm praying its the catalyst for life change among the student ministry here at my church. Right now we're looking at taking about 40-50 people... I'm hoping we'll have over 50 though! That would be awesome! I'm also excited about getting to minister with some of my best friends!

There's lots to do though before March, so be praying for me and for my students. It's going to be an incredible weekend!

Then last night, we had our typical Wednesday night youth service. The guy that leads our band has been trying really hard to get our band ministry up and going. He's enlisted the help of some college students to play whenever they can, and then some of the non-musical college students have come just to be present, and worship with our students. Its been great. Seth stopped by, and ended up playing piano with our band at the last minute, and our friend Sam was there playing electric guitar. It was a lot of fun. Between Seth and Sam playing in the band, and looking around the room at all our faithful volunteers, I was overwhelmed with the blessing these people are in my life as we minister to students.

Everyone knows the least favorite part of a youth minister's job is coming up with games every week. I hate it. The students usually hate the game too. It's just not fun. Two weeks ago, I made the suggestion that instead of doing 30 minutes of a game at the beginning, that instead we start the music and message first, and the last 30 minutes are spent in discussion groups (D-Groups). As I've walked around checking on groups, its been incredible to see and hear what's going on in the groups. Our group has so many different schools represented, and D-groups give them the chance to talk about the lesson and ask questions, and find ways to apply Scripture to their lives. It's great to see. I'm praying it's building community and spiritual growth.

I also formed an impromptu hip hop group with some of my volunteers and students. We were rapping fools. My boss is working on getting our video posted on our website, so I'll be sure to share it with you soon. I know you can't wait!

For once, while home was getting lots of snow, I was grateful we had decent weather. I look forward to Wednesdays. It makes the desk hours in the office so worth it!

What's your favorite part of the ministries you're serving in?

FOUR!

Four years ago, I was asleep in my comfy bed in my apartment in Dallas when I got woken up in the middle of the night by a text, and a few hours later I got a another text, but this time with a picture...

Baby Noah had finally arrived, safe and sound! It was early, but I woke my roommate Ashley up and like a proud aunt, showed him off. Boo for living in Texas, while such a cute bundle was adjusting to his new world, far away in Virginia. His parents, two of my best friends, have graciously accepted me in to their family as an aunt to their kiddos, and hearing Noah say, "I love you Aunt Molly!" is one of my favorite sounds in the world!

I'm not sure when, maybe spring break? I finally got to go home and hold this little bundle, and I fell in love right away... especially when he peed on my friend Megan the next day. :)

AND TODAY, THAT CUTE LITTLE BABY BOY IS TURNING 4!

Noah, you are one of my favorite people on the planet. In just 4 years, you have completely captured my heart and shown me things about love that I never knew I was even capable of feeling. You are, no doubt, the funniest little kid I've ever known, and you've been bringing the funny since before you could even talk. A child after my own heart, for sure.

One of my favorite memories is walking in to Target, seeing you walking with your mom way ahead of me, calling out your name, and then watching you run full speed, yelling, "Hey Aunt Molly!!! We're here too! We're here too!"into my arms, to give me a huge hug and kiss. OR toward the end of your, sleeping in people's arms days, you were feeling so sick at Chan's house, and you climbed right up in my arms and fell asleep, completely covering me in drool... I cherished that, because I knew those moments were becoming less and less frequent.

You called me at camp last summer, on a really tiring day, just to tell me that I was beautiful. You grab my face and demand that I, "Be happy aunt molly!" when I'm having a bad day. You give me giant kisses and then yell, "EWW Gross!" because that's our little game. Blowing bubbbles and singing the bubble song with you never gets old. You can beat me in Mario Kart, any day, and thinking about you dancing to the boxing music on the Wii still makes me smile. Your laughter is infectious, and your hugs and kisses can turn any bad day around.

I love you so much, Noah and I'm so sad that I'm so far away, and missing watching you turn into a big, little kid. Everyday, I pray that the Lord would protect you and continue showing you more and more about Himself. I can't wait for the day when I get the phone call to hear that you understand your need for a savior, and that you've asked Jesus in to your heart. I can't wait to see how the Lord uses your easy going, fun loving personality for His kingdom, to love Him and love others.

Thank you for making my life so much better, and for loving me and letting me love you! I miss you and wish that I could be there to celebrate your big day! Happy birthday, Noah!

Lately..

I'll post about my weekend with the band in Lexington, TN as soon as I find some pictures that people post. I mean, it was like, paparazzi city, so surely someone will post them on facebook this week? We shall see.

BUT.. Lately:

I am listening to:

The Seth Medley Band's most recently released CD from camp this summer. I stinkin love the CD cover. The big picture down at the bottom with all of us worshipping together, and then the words on the screen say, "I'll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered. All I am is Yours" BOOM! I love hearing the students from camp singing their hearts out. It's a great CD. I'm proud of the boys and all the work they put into it.

So last week at CRU we sang a Jesus Culture song from this CD. I loved it. I've got some other Jesus Culture CDs on my computer, but I bought this one, and it's incredible. I've been listening to it so much the last few days.

Recently released, Kristian Stanfill really shows how much he's grown as an artist and worship leader. I knew it was going to be good, but I was pleasantly surprised at just how much I love it.

I'm currently reading:

Chosen But Free by Norm Geisler. My friend Andrew asked me if I had read it, told me he liked it, and so I said I'd read it so we could discuss it. It's definitely interesting so far. Love books where I can highlight the mess out of it. Makes me miss school!

Beth Redman's book has started out pretty girly. I'm reading it to help with girl's ministry, but we'll see. I'm cautiously optimistic.

What about you? What are you reading or listening to?

Never alone..

Today, I am just overwhelmed.

No worries though! It's the good kind of overwhelmed.

This week has been great as far as ministry goes. Nothing spectacular has happened, I just feel refreshed and excited about the potential of the future. I've had some really great discussions with some of my students, and feel like I'm beginning to find my niche at this church.

My dear friend Alex started a blog this week and holla! its awesome! Not that I expected anything less than stellar coming from that crazy guy.. but even in something as simple as a blog, he's choosing to use it for good, and for Kingdom work.

I have some awesome friends! I have friends serving the Lord in churches all over the country, friends leading worship in all kinds of different avenues, friends in the school system simply being Christ through the classrooms they teach in or the teams they're coaching, friends that are serving the Lord by staying at home and raising their children to walk in the ways of the Lord, friends that are counseling those going through difficult times, friends serving overseas and sharing Christ in the darkest places, and friends who have committed to a few more years of school so they're equipped to share the Gospel later down the road.

I look at the people God has placed in my life, and I am so grateful. Full time ministry can be lonely, and really difficult, as you think you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.... but thankfully I don't have to look far to realize I am not alone. So many of you are more of an encouragement to me than you'll ever realize, simply by the way you choose to live your lives and love others.

Random Thoughts... coming at you in my favorite form: BULLET POINTS!

*I am trying to stop biting my finger nails, and I might go crazy. I know its gross, and I should have stopped when I was 10, but I didn't and now I'm 28 with a nervous habit that I can't seem to kick. I might chop my hands off... but for now, when I'm not typing, I'm sitting on them.

*I seriously don't know how people wear Uggs and their fake, store knock off friends. My feet are H-O-T, and not in a "Hey, I'm a pair of sexy feet" kind of way.

*Tonight, I'm having dinner at 2 of my students' house. Their parents are also some wonderful volunteers, and then I'm spending some time with their mom, planning the spring retreat, and praying for our students. I'm so excited and looking forward to getting to know this family. I'm really trying to be more intentional, and to "be all here."

*Cards- I think it was when Jessica was first deployed to Iraq that I started to write cards, and to my great aunt Lois, who is too old to be on facebook. I love sending cards, and holy moly, I've been blessed lately with some pretty spectacular cards in return. Funny cards, serious, just what I needed to hear cards..oh man. If you've sent me a card recently, you're great. I love and appreciate you.

*No new mouse brothers found. Still walking through my apartment cautiously.

*This week is the last week for our early bird registration for the spring retreat I'm planning. We've only got a handful registered. It's stressing me out (please note first bullet point). Please pray. It's not about numbers, but I want these kids to be excited about this retreat. To be excited about the Lord. Really, to be excited about anything!

*This week, I miss my favorite 3 year old, Noah. He's about to turn 4. I got to skype with him and his mom last week and my heart almost exploded. I love Chattanooga, but missing out on his big hugs and kisses followed by "Ewwwww GROSS AUNT MOLLY" (even when he's the one initiating the kisses.. haha my fault, I taught him that!), is sad stuff!

*You should know that:

This week, I got tired of fighting, and gave it over to the One who's got more moves than all the ninja turtles combined.

*This weekend I heard this song in a new light... so I'll leave you with it.

"He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me. Oh how He loves us. I."

It's all about perspective..

Nashville Therapy

On Thursday, after work, I left for Nashville. I think it's sufficient to say that I made the 2 hour drive, a little mad, super sad, and contemplative. The last time I made that drive, back in October, I was feeling similar emotions, about a completely different situation. I certainly hope that bad days aren't my destiny for days when I plan Nashville trips, but if that's the case, I guess it's good to know I'm usually driving into good hands and big hugs whenever I arrive.

Thursday, I got to my friend MeLissa's house, who lives with another friend Erin, and a new friend Lydia. MeLissa and I worked Fuge together in 2007, and she is one of the funniest, most honest and loyal friends I have. Seriously, that girl will tell you how it is, but make you laugh the entire time. She is so wise, creative, and beautiful and I was so glad that I was getting to spend some quality time with her!

Later that night, our friend from '07, Leslie was also stopping in town, before her flight to New Orleans the next morning. Leslie was my roommate at camp that summer, and though we laugh about it now, we certainly had to fight to make our friendship work.. haha both figuratively and literally. We knew how to push each others buttons, that's for sure... but somehow, somewhere along the way, something just clicked, and we've been close ever since. Leslie is incredible. She's the kind of friend that sits on skype with you while you cry about a mouse in your room, or laughs on the phone with you when a boy has made you sad, or talks you through something when you're at camp and don't know what the heck you're doing. She's the kind of friend who flies down to Dallas, rents a car, and sleeps on your bedroom floor so she can play paparazzi at your seminary graduation, or sends you sweet cards when you're having a bad day.

Leslie, is an incredible friend.

Thursday, after a blah day... I got both MeLissa AND Leslie, and you just can't beat that.

Friday, I woke up, holla'd at my best, Stacy who lives in town, and took MeLissa to meet her for lunch. MeLissa and Stacy- HOLY-MOLY- love them, grateful for them, but geez they tag teamed and spoke some hard truths in to my life about boys, my dependency on the Lord, and my confidence (or lack thereof) in myself. I appreciated everything they were saying, but it was definitely a lot to process. Those two had never even stinkin met each other, but they're probably bff's now!

That night, John, one of my favorite boys on the planet, and our rec director from camp this past summer, came to pick me up at MeLissa's so that I could get one of his famous hugs. Let me tell you, he's a good hugger for sure! We went downtown to first baptist Nashville met up with friends there, and went to dinner. It was so good to see him and I was really glad I got to spend some time with him, catching up. He's great.

Today, I had coffee with my friend Lynsey who worked with me in Glorieta, NM in 2008. I love her to death. Yet, another crazy encouraging and challenging sister in Christ, who makes me laugh and feel so stinkin loved. I was worried we weren't going to get to see each other, but it all worked out and we had a great time catching up.

I went straight from coffee over to Laura and Nathan's house to go to lunch with them. (SO MUCH FOOD THIS WEEKEND). Laura is one of my closest friends from seminary, and her boo (husband) Nathan is so stinkin funny. I love them both, and had a blast hanging out with them before heading over to see Megan (Fuge '09) and Candace (Fuge '10) this afternoon before my drive home.

My trip was quick and busy, as there's just never ever enough time to see everyone I know in that town, but it was wonderful. I have so many incredible friends in that town, and it's lame that they're only 2 hours away and yet I never get to see them! I've gotta do better about that!! I was struggling when I got into town, but throughout my stay, my love tank was definitely filled. A friend from home, friends from seminary, and so many friends from camp... I am so blessed by the rich friendships the Lord has placed in my life, and the wonderful sisters in Christ I have to hold me accountable, and to speak love and truth to me when I need to hear it, but also to give me hugs and cry with me when I need that too. I look at all the incredible friends I have, and hope and pray that I am for them, what they are for me...I see Christ in each one of them in so many ways.

Oh man... such a great weekend.

Spring is Coming

This week, the reminder that life is short, life is precious, and this life is not our own, has been ever-present. Two of my friends have lost sisters, one to a hard fought battle with cancer, and one in a tragic car accident. Just this past week, I sat with a student of mine, as she mourned the loss of her mother to cancer. Yesterday, I got an email from Mary about one of the orphans, Milton that fell out of a mango tree at Harvesters, and was bleeding from his ears and nose. Knowing that the doctors in Yei had left because of the referendum in Sudan, I knew that that could be a potentially hopeless situation.

So much going on, that is out of our control. So much going on that just doesn't make sense. Grateful that we can trust that because He is sovereign, we can know that there is a reason and a purpose in it all, and in seemingly unexpected and senseless suffering, we can know that because God allowed these things to happen, He plans to do something through them. In the meantime, we press on, making our way in this fallen world, doing the things He's called us to do with hearts of obedience, remembering that in midst of darkness, we can know the only Hope there is.

"Wrong will be right when Aslan comes in sight. At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more. When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death, and when he shakes his mane.. we shall have spring again."

2011: Year of the Husband

Look, I know I'm 28. I know I am a grown up and should be independent and all that junk, but I'm not and there are just some things in this world that I simply cannot handle.

Yesterday, I had a really great snow day. My roommate and I actually got to hangout for the first time since I moved in, and I got to catch up on sleep lost from traveling all weekend. THEN as i was getting ready to head to bed, I'm standing in the kitchen and Bethany says, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse!" and the little joker runs into my BEDROOM! I screamed, i cried, i called the boys... the mouse was hiding and I could only jump off my bed in small spurts to shake stuff out to try and find it.

Somehow I went to sleep.. after a tearful skype conversation with my friend Drew who told me how to make a ghetto mouse trap. I think it was less about effectiveness, and more about making me feel safe and empowered. In reality it was neither of those things.

This morning I woke up, and no mouse. I crept around my apartment all day, scared he would jump out at me.

Tonight, Seth came by to show me the suburban the band just bought for traveling to gigs on the weekend, and I made him stop by walmart so I could get the sticky traps my dad uses at home.

Uh, didn't quite think through what I would do once I caught him, and my friend Seth already told me he'd done his part by bringing me to get the traps.

Within an hour or two, as I was going to bed, I open my door and screamed because the little nasty rodent was caught, struggling in the trap.

GROSS.

Definitely not going to sleep now.

Bethany (my roommate) tried to be brave enough to dispose of the mouse, but eventually Alex and his brother in law came to save the day! We just couldn't do it.

Moral of the story... I need a husband ASAP so I can stop borrowing Rebecca's. Alex is amazing, but he's got his own wife to protect.

2011: Year of the Husband

Lancaster, SC

Nice and early Friday morning, I headed over to the parking lot of the church where the guys lead worship, so we could meet up, and make our way to Lancaster, South Carolina to lead worship for about 140 students for their Disciple Now weekend. The youth pastor of this church brought his students to Fuge at Carson Newman the last 2 summers, so it was good to be able to go to a church knowing some people.

I drove my car, because I needed to make the 6 hour drive back earlier than the guys, to be back in time for a meeting Sunday night. So I got to ride with Becca, Alex, and Steve. We had an intense political conversation, and then jammed to pop music. The drive went by pretty quickly, and we got there and set up the sound system and the guys stuff in record time.

A great part of the weekend was that this church (2nd Baptist Lancaster) is the home church of one of my favorite friends, Will, who worked camp with us this past summer. Brent, the youth pastor, also brought in Robert, one of our camp pastors to preach for the weekend. It was a fun camp reunion!

The students were great and really responsive in worship, and even though we didn't teach home groups or anything, based on what we saw in large group times, and in a couple conversations I had, the Lord was definitely moving. It was awesome, and a huge blessing to be a part of the weekend. It's so wonderful to be able to do ministry with some of my best friends...

Here are some pictures from the weekend:

Robert backstage getting ready to preach

What are we looking at??

....

Oh that's right! The guys released their live CD from Fuge this weekend!!!!

Drew, Steve, Will, me, Rebecca, Alex, Seth, and Johann

Check out all those chucks!

We looked like some nerdy glee club in our matching shoes.

Another hugely wonderful thing about this trip was having the newlywed, Mrs. Rebecca Ford along on the trip. She stayed with me at our wonderful host home, while the boys lived it up in a hotel, and then rode back to Chattanooga with me earlier on Sunday morning, so I wouldn't have to make the drive by myself. It was great getting to spend time with her... During camp, when she'd come to visit her boo, so much of our friendship was centered around the fact that we had Alex in common. Now, these last few months, it's been a huge blessing to get to build a friendship. She is hilarious.

It was a great weekend in South Carolina.

Got home Sunday, had a great kickoff for small groups, then made it to dinner with the band, and home in time to watch it start snowing like crazy.

8 inches to be exact.

"The most snow Chattanooga has seen since the Blizzard of '93!"

Today I got to sleeeep and catch up on some stuff, and um, pray that tomorrow might be another day off. :)

Referendum

So this weekend is going to be a historic day in Sudan, as the referendum is finally here and the people of South Sudan will be voting whether or not the south will become independent from the north. Some people are optimistic about peaceful outcomes, others say that history often repeats itself, and Sudan has a violent past.

Please pray for the people of South Sudan, for the orphans and workers at Harvesters, and of course for Mary. Harvesters is so far south, that hopefully if violence were to break out, it wouldn't spread that far down the country, or at the very least, everyone would have time to get out of harm's way.

Here's Mary's blog link.. check out what she wrote about the history of Sudan, and about the upcoming referendum.

www.this-is-sudan.blogspot.com

"No mountain, no valley,

no gain or loss we know,

could keep us from Your love.

No sickness, no secret,

no chain is strong enough,

to keep us from Your love

How high, how wide, no matter where I am

healing is in Your hands.

How deep, how strong, now by Your grace I stand

healing is in Your hands

Our present, our future,

our past is in Your hands

We're covered by Your blood

We're covered by Your blood

How high, how wide, no matter where I am

healing is in Your hands.

How deep, how strong, now by Your grace I stand

healing is in Your hands

In all things, we know that we are more than conquerors

You keep us by Your love

In all things, we know that we are more than conquerors

You keep us by Your love

You keep us by Your love

How high, how wide, no matter where I am

healing is in Your hands.

How deep, how strong, now by Your grace I stand

healing is in Your hands"

Resolved.

"Heal my heart and make it clean. Open up my eyes to the things unseen, and show me how to love like You have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks Yours. Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause, as I walk from earth into eternity."

Once or twice a week at camp this past summer, and whenever Seth invites me to lead worship with the Seth Medley Band, we usually sing the song, "Hosanna." Now the frequency of which I sing that song might be that Seth only has faith in my ability to sing lead on that particular song, as opposed to asking me to try some other ones, OR it could be that that's just a really powerful song... either way, I don't mind singing it. The second verse, about seeing a generation rising up to take its place with selfless faith, is incredible to sing over students, and then the bridge (posted above) is always so convicting.

Or is it?

Convicting: to convince of error or sinfulness

As a Believer, if I'm truly feeling convicted, shouldn't it cause some kind of reaction? Shouldn't conviction make me so uncomfortable that I can't help but need to do something about it?

break my heart for what breaks Yours

You might not know this about me, but I am addicted to pop culture. Yep, it's true. I can tell you who is dating whom. Who is caught up in what scandal, and what they wore on the red carpet. I read people magazine, watch E!, check gossip websites all the time. Why? Who the heck knows, because I certainly don't know those people... affairs, people chasing wealth and selfish ambition, scandal, impurity...

break my heart for what breaks Yours.

The other day I went looking for this $150 pair of shoes that I was going to buy with the money my parents gave me for Christmas. $150! WHAT THE HECK?! I didn't buy them... but I actually thought about it, which is bad enough for me. I've seen poverty with my own two eyes. I've seen the slums in Mumbai, India. I've stood in the mud hut of an African family, and seen the distended bellies of hungry, malnourished children...

break my heart for what breaks Yours.

I find myself constantly trying to chase after what our culture deems as "normal" and "expected," knowing full well I would be settling. I've put myself in situations where I'm looking for the approval of Man, thus making him my God. Idolatry at its finest...

break my heart for what breaks Yours.

I see homeless people begging on the side of the road and avert my eyes...

break my heart for what breaks Yours.

I have avoided difficult conversations because of my hate of confrontation, knowing I probably missed the opportunity to share Christ with someone...

break my heart for what breaks Yours.

I've laughed at or even told inappropriate jokes of whose topics I wish I was still naive to...

break my heart for what breaks Yours.

This isn't some confession blog post, though it may seem like it. Those of you who read my blog and know me well, already know that I am so far from perfect, but with the new year, as people are shouting out their resolutions left and right, I find in myself a desire to know Him more this year, and to allow God to infiltrate some of the darkest corners of my heart... to shed light on the fears and insecurities, the anger or uncertainty that I've allowed to linger, and to grow.

Ugh.. I'm getting scared just typing that, and acknowledging those dark places where sin is growing.

I know, that when we ask God to do something, He hears us... I'm afraid of how painful this process might be.

Passion 2011 is going on in Atlanta this week, and it makes me so sad that I'm not there. I've been to every Passion event since I was a sophomore in college. Passion has had a huge impact on my life and walk with Christ, and so to live closer to the event than ever before, and have to watch it online, just kills me! BUT praise the Lord it's streamed online!

Tonight, in Louie Giglio's opening sermon he preached on how it is possible to be free and fully alive.

Free and fully alive.

To be free and fully alive in the here and now, not waiting for some milestone in my life or some loud word from God, not after I meet some hot boy with big muscles, or look a certain way, not after I pay a certain penance for past sins or express conviction or guilt in a satisfactory manner, but to be free and fully alive TODAY, RIGHT NOW.

As Louie spoke, I prayed that God's presence would be so strong in my life that it might drown out the desires of everything in my life that isn't about God.

Whoa.. that's a lot of drowning going on in my life... an oceans worth.

"If Your grace is an ocean, we're all sinking."

Louie talked about Jonathan Edwards and how one of his resolutions in life was simply, "I resolve to live for God."

I choose Jesus, because He first chose me.

A person living for Christ, can die at 30, having lived a thousand more lifetimes than a person who lives to be 85, but spent their time on earth chasing their own glory.

"God is most glorified when I am most satisfied in Him."

"The glory of God is man, fully alive."

Breathe on me, Jesus, a new beginning. Let Your voice rise up among all the other voices in my life. Let me hear it, and know it is You. Break my heart for what breaks Yours...

Goodbye 2010... Holla 2011!

This is becoming one of my favorite posts every year.. to look back on the year I've had and celebrate the good and the bad and the things I've learned.

2010, well it was sort of boring when I first think about it, but here goes my list:

~The beginning of my year was spent preparing for what I thought would be a return trip to Sudan..

*I started making plans with one of my best friends, Mary.

*We went to Kansas City for training for our year overseas

*I had crazy dreams about the orphans at Harvesters, and started getting excited about the reality of returning there sometime in the near future.

~In January, I watched with the rest of the world, in horror, as so many people suffered in Haiti after the earthquake. My heart broke for those people.

~In February the curriculum I wrote for LifeWay was taught in Sunday school classes around the country, which was kind of surreal to think about.

~I went sledding with friends... and saw more snow than I ever wanted to see in my driveway

~I got to minister to a great group of high school girls, starting with their disciple now.

~I started leading worship with various friends... mostly with the Seth Medley Band, but also with the worship team at my church back home in Virginia.

~I got to see Hillsong United live and that was awesome!

~I road tripped it to Dallas with Allison and Erin squished in Erin's Volvo, ran a fake touchdown in the Cowboys stadium and pretended to be a cheerleader in their locker room, and yelled "Go Redskins" from star in the center of the Cowboy's field.

~The first two beautiful girls that I discipled when I was in college became college graduates themselves!

~I learned how far the Lord is willing to go to get our attention, and the people He uses to show us His will... God spoke through my friend Ryan to get me to realize that Sudan was my dream, not His.. that God had other plans for me.

~I worked my 6th summer of camp, only this summer I got to be part of the worship band for the first time ever. I spent 8 weeks at Carson Newman college with some of my best friends, leading worship for high school and middle school students. Everyday I was humbled that the Lord would use me in such a way.. that he would allow me to see all the work he was doing from the perspective of the stage. I was constantly encouraged and challenged by my brothers and sisters on staff, and am so grateful for what was likely my last summer working Fuge.

~I led students to Christ, prayed over students who were seeking direction or answering calls into ministry. I counseled and prayed over students who were facing unimaginable heartbreak and difficulties in life, and rejoiced over lives being changed by the love of Christ.

~I prayed specifically that the Lord would lead me to a job 1. near home 2. Nashville 3. back in Texas 4. Atlanta or 5. Chattanooga

~ The 2nd to last week of camp I sent my resume to a church that had sought the help of the Fuge office to find a youth associate, and in September I GOT A JOB and moved to Chattanooga, Tennessee. Chattanooga is a beautiful place, and the friends I have here have made this transition easier than I ever could have hoped or imagined!!

~I drove a go-cart (albeit a slow one) for the first time ever :)

~I squished in to a truck of band boys to lead worship in Maryland- and to lead Bible study for the craziest group of middle schoolers ever!

~I drank a lot of peach tea

~I laughed a lot with my small group, whom I love and miss so much!

~ I went to the ER for a kidney stone with my friend Alex, and never knew it was possible to laugh so much while in excruciating pain.

~I got to spend time with my two best friends, Mary and Stacy, before we sent Mary off to Sudan for a year.

~I had a camp reunion in Nashville, and a seminary reunion as I celebrated the marriage of one of my dearest friends from DTS

~I partied 80s style

~I said goodbye to another one of my bests as she deployed for Afghanistan :(

~The band boys gave me my first pair of PURPLE chucks!

~ Two of my favorite people got married, which also meant a mini camp reunion.