baggage

So, the last few weeks, my small group and I have been reading Francis Chan's "Crazy Love." I've really enjoyed most of the book and the discussion (and if I'm honest, the parts I haven't enjoyed, are pretty much the result of conviction and pride) that we've had since starting this book. Francis Chan just has a way of describing certain things in a way that make a complex thing seem simple. In one little sentence, he'll clearly state something that I've been trying to grasp for years. I think that's one negative thing seminary did for me... I tend to over analyze or make things feel really complex, sometimes losing sight of the big picture.

Tonight we talked about whether we struggle with intimacy or reverence in our relationship with God. We typically lean toward one or the other. Either we see God as this big, awesome, powerful, all knowing being... but then forget that He loves us and is close to our problems, hears our desires and hopes, and fears. OR people see God in a "Jesus is my homeboy," my best friend, my Daddy... and forget the holiness of God.

I told the group that my problem usually fell in the category of intimacy. I have all this book knowledge of who He is and a healthy fear of what He is capable of, but I struggle to believe that a God that big is really interested in me getting to know him. I know in my heart that that's a lie that Satan uses to keep me from knowing God, but I seem to fall for it so often.

Then Francis asked us to look at the baggage we have in our lives and to try and see how our struggle with intimacy with God might be a reflection of that baggage. How have I placed human conditions and issues onto my relationship with Him? To be real... the biggest burden of baggage I carry in my life would definitely be my thinking that I'm not good enough... like in a "you're awesome, but you just dont make the cut" kind of way. Satan has used that lie more times than I care to remember. When situations or people let me down, I turn it around and say that it's my fault because I'm just not good enough. I'll never be good enough... I'll never be good enough for someone else, for success, for happiness... blah blah blah.

So as I struggle through this thing called life and I make mistakes, I'm one of two things.. I'm either feeling completely guilty that I keep screwing up OR I'm apathetic because if I'm gonna keep screwing up, why bother even trying, and then I hear that familiar voice, "Just give up. You're never going to be good enough."

It's true though. I'm never going to be "good enough."

Isn't that the point though? Who really is good enough? No one. No one who has ever walked this planet has ever been good enough... except Jesus Christ.

I can't do this on my own. My relationship with the Lord was meant to free me, not hold me back or overwhelm me to the point of apathy. I guess this week's discussion really helped me to see my need to confront the baggage in my life and to recognize that it's not just impacting me, but it's impacting my relationships with other people and with God.

Why do we choose to hold on to things that hold us back?
Why do we even allow ourselves to accumulate such baggage?

For any of you ladies that read or watched Anne of Green Gables, maybe you'll remember that when Matthew (I think that was his name) first met Anne at the train station and tried to take her bag for her, she held on tight. She said that she'd rather hold on to it because the handle was broken and only she knew how to hold it just right. Only I know how to hold onto my bag. Only I've found a way to fit it snugly into my life, so that it has seemingly become a part of me.

It wasn't always that way, and it sure is getting heavy. What started as a small carry on bag has turned into a busting at the seams, almost over the weight limit, piece of junk luggage from the 70s. Thankfully though, after our discussion tonight, I think that as I prayed on my drive home, asking God to free me from this burden of thinking I am anything but loved by Him, that maybe I was able to lighten my bag just a little bit.... and maybe, just maybe, begin the process of truly letting go of that dang ugly baggage once and for all.

Even when I'm ridiculous, God is patient and oh so good.

From the Lakes of Minnesota to the Hills of Tennessee.

Happy Memorial Day everyone! I hope you're all having a great day, and taking time to think about the sacrifices that have been made in the past to protect our freedom, as well as those who are serving our country today. Just yesterday I had a friend send out a text to all his friends to let us know that he was leaving for the desert later that afternoon, and I was reminded yet again of the sacrifices that so many people are making for this country. I'm thankful for their courage.

Today, I went out to my friend Becca's parents' house. Each year they have a big Memorial Day picnic, with a parade and music (provided via Ben's ipod), and it's a lot of hot, humid, fun! The parade consists of three heats... first are the little kids on their decked out tricycles and the older ones on their bikes, next are the 4 wheelers and decorated riding lawn mowers (haha), then the big guys bust out the tractors.

Yes, I went to a Memorial Day tractor parade. Don't hate.

It was fun spending time with my friends and laughing at Noah and his goofiness. Its been a great day. I leave for camp in a week, and I was thankful for the time I got to spend hanging out with people I love. Hope your Memorial Day left you thankful for all the blessings you have in your life too.

Noah's sweet ride. He was a little overheated and missed the parade,
but it's all good because he got plenty of attention and riding time in beforehand.

I mean seriously, he's too cute and getting so big!



In a few years, he'll be driving one of the big giant tractors in the parade!

I'm not a hater

Ok, this is my last post about American Idol, because seriously there is more to my life than this silly TV show. BUT I found this clip online of the winner, Kris Allen and his church in Little Rock on their first Sunday and it's pretty cool. Plus he's leading worship with Passion music, so I can't hate him for that.

Grand Opening - Beautiful Dreamer from neil greathouse on Vimeo.

America...

you stinkin let me down big time.
I am never watching that dumb show again.

Whatever.. this is better for Adam. Now he's not bound to a ridiculous contract and has more artistic freedom. Oh man, I am bitter.

I watched the finale with the Griffitts clan. Noah was watching with us because he loves American Idol and knows all their names when they come on the screen... the best part of the night was when Adam performed with KISS. Gene Simmons did his scary tongue creepiness and Noah burst into tears! I laughed my head off.

I guess Noah got the last laugh.
:( I'm so sad.

Kris is talented... but I really wanted Adam to win.
really really.

He Has to Win...

Tonight was American Idol's finale (part 1).
I thought Adam did a lovely job.
He has to win or I will cry.
I have tried to get through to vote for him, but the phone lines have been busy. That's a good sign right?

Kris has a good voice. I'll buy his cd.
But Adam Lambert is where it's at.


I'm sure you'll all be happy when this is over so that I have something new to blog about.
I wont be getting out of bed on thursday if Adam loses.
this is serious.
i cried when clay aiken lost and I do not want to face that kind of sadness again.

Shake Your Money Maker

So, my weekend down in Ridgecrest, NC for camp training was awesome. Every leadership member of every Fuge student camp was there this weekend and it was great! During the day each of us spent time with our leadership teams for our different camps, so it was really fun to go ahead and connect with everyone and to get tons of details organized and worked out. We also spent time with the other people who had the same positions and were trained in all that stuff.

Let me just start off by saying that FD (financial director) training wasn't quite the most exciting stuff. Rec directors were up the mountain playing games and learning how to relate back to what students are studying with their Bible study groups. Development directors spent some time learning the Bible study material and activities so they can train their staffs. Fun stuff. FDs... we spent time learning about expense reports, our camp budgets, inventory, and how to run a cash register. I think that by the end of the summer, I may hate walmart and Excel spreadsheets. :)

It was a lot of stuff to cover in 2 1/2 days.
It's hard to make that information exciting and fun.

But let me tell you what was fun...
1. Laughing with the other FDs.. although I'm sure I'll realize that while I was talking and being silly, I may have missed some important stuff.
2. Getting to know the people training us who work in the LifeWay office... I have a feeling they're going to be my new BFFs.
3. Sitting with/near 3 out of my 4 FDs from summers past. Praise God for them and their willingness to answer my questions. Andrea, Chris, and Winders will probably save my life this summer. Well Winders probably wont because he'll be out at Jenness in Norther California on a mountain that is lacking in cell phone towers... but he'd help me if he could and its the thought that counts right?
4. Playing with cash registers was a lot more fun than I thought. I mean even if was pretend, Andrea and I had fun shopping in the Fuge store with a $4,000 total at the end of it all.
5. Learning about my job so that I feel a million times more prepared.
6. Meeting new people who are going to be FDs all around the country this summer.


See here's the deal. I never in a million years thought that of all the leadership positions that exist in the fuge world, that I would be an FD. I applied for the job because people told me to. I applied for the job because for some reason I felt the Holy Spirit leading that that was what I was supposed to do. When I got to Program Training I just wasnt excited about. As an FD I dont get to teach Bible study or Rec. I love those parts of camp. I dont get a bible study group.. which means i have less time to spend with students. It's going to be hard. Plus, I was struggling with getting excited over spread sheets and expense reports and feeling confident that Molly Bostelman, who struggled to pass all things math in school, was going to be able to do this job.

It was rough.

BUT the more time I spent learning about my job, the more confidence I began to have that God has prepared me for this summer and this role. Here are some things I realized:

1. God placed me on the Carson Newman team as the FD for a reason. It's not by accident.
2. The Fuge store isn't just so that students can spend their money on CDs and t-shirts... the stuff they buy helps the Fuge office to keep camp costs down so that money is less of an obstacle in getting kids to camp where they can hear the Gospel. The stuff they buy is advertisement so that more people ask "what's Fudge??" and our students can tell about camp.. and not just in an advertisement kind of way, but some kids might even get the chance to share the Gospel because of their t-shirt.
3. The jobs I do.. bank deposits, the store, walmart runs, spending reports, registration stuff, etc.. they're all jobs that need to be done with or without me. Because the FD does all this stuff, it frees up other staffers to be able to spend time being intentional with students and hopefully giving them the opportunity to really share the Lord with them. So even though I'm not directly going to be interacting with tons of students, I'm still serving my staff so that ministry can get done..and isnt that what it's all about?
4. It's not about me.


I learned a lot of other stuff, but those were the big things. It's going to be a good summer.
On tops of FD training galore, I also got to have some sweet reunions from summers past. It was one big family reunion and I loved it!

People I got to see... woo hoo...
I was the only person from my first summer at training this week.. (carson newman 05) BUT I got to have a...
*Mississippi College 06 reunion with my FD from that summer, Andrea.
*North Greenville 07 reunion with my Director David, my FD Winders, my roommate Leslie, suitemate Valerie, our site direcotr Tiffany, and fellow Bible study leaders Emory, Hope, and Scottie. (I think that's everyone)
*BUT the biggest reunion of them all was with my staff from last summer. I cant even begin to tell you how many people this weekend said amazingly good things about specific people from the Glorieta staff last summer. I mean I dont wanna brag, but I think we were the dream team. :) We all got to go out to eat together and it was a sweet reunion. Lets see, there was, Jeremy our director, Lysney our site director, brandi our DD, Chris our FD, Josh our P-Diddy, our rec director Allison, and fellow Bible study leaders Dinah, Chris Suskin, Ashleigh, Eric, Tessa, and Carrie.

It was fun.


Now I wait 2 weeks and then get the heck outta stafford and head to Carson Newman for 7 1/2 weeks of my favorite part of the year.
I have a great job.

And PS. I have no pictures because we were way too busy and I just didnt think much of it. Sorry kiddos.

Program Training

It's 1:15 in the morning.. I have to get up in 4 hours to get ready and then head to the airport. I'm flying from DC down to Atlanta and then hopping on a plane that is hopefully bigger than a bus and heading to Ashville, NC.

It's program weekend! This weekend I'm going to meet up with all the other centrifuge, m-fuge, combo camp, and kid camp leadership staff so we can all learn how to do our jobs.

Pray for me! I'm a little nervous that my Financial Director training is going to overwhelm me just a bit!

I'll be back Monday with lots of pictures to share (hopefully). I get to see tons of my friends from summers past, and meet the leadership team at Carson Newman for this summer! I'm really excited!

Carson Newman

In honor of my return to good ole Carson Newman for camp this summer, I thought I'd give a blog shout out to the last time I visited this cute little baptist school tucked away in Jefferson City, TN.

Carson Newman is a special place to me for a few reasons. First of all, it's where I attended Fuge for the first time as a camper after my freshman year of high school. I went to camp like a week after I became a Christian and was slightly traumatized. It was my first time attending anything like this.... and during the big climactic night of worship, everyone was weeping and sobbing in the aisles of the auditorium. I was scared outta my mind! It didnt help that we had just watched "A Thief in the Night" in Sunday school. I thought the rapture had happened and we all missed it! Why else would people be wailing and clinging to one another.

It was weird.

Obviously not weird enough to completely scar me since the last 4 summers of my life have been devoted to this little camp we call Fuge.

My 2 trips there as a camper definitely placed CNC in my heart as a special place, but what solidified its spot there forever was my first summer working on staff with Centrifuge. What a crazy, but fun summer that was for me. I feel like I learned sooooo much about life, about myself, about love, about ministry, and about selflessness. I faced something really really difficult that summer, and in my moment of need found myself enveloped in a community of girls who, even though we'd just met a few weeks before, completely loved and supported me. They helped me through that time as I struggled everyday to surrender things to the Lord.
I also laughed until my sides hurt more times than I can remember.
A certain person tested my patience more than I ever thought I could handle.
I had my first lesson in learning to "Drop it like its hot." Trust me, it wasnt pretty.
I ate cheese-its and watched the last half of Oprah almost everyday with my suitemates.
I had people jump out of my closet and dance on me when I least expected it.
I sang one of the songs from the Little Mermaid at the top of my lungs on our stage so many times that even the guys on our staff knew all the words.
CNC is the first place I almost got puked on by an overheated student and where I really learned the power of prayer and unconditional love.
It's also where I found out I had been accepted to Dallas Seminary and my post-college plans really began to come alive.

It's where I met the first edition of my Fuge family.
It's a beautiful place.
I'm excited to be back there again to minister to students and adults for another summer.
Campers arent the only ones whose lives are changed at Fuge.
I love my job.

And since everyone LOVES pictures...

A couple of us working the store one Saturday morning

I think this night life was called "Bigger Phatter Schooler"
or something like that. Whatever... how pimp are we?
Emily, me, and George

Bucky and Kade
All dressed up for staff appreciation dinner
They were inter-digitating.

Tour Guide and Shakespierre
George and me on our favorite morning of the AM Show

So apparently, I really wanted to win Mega this day.

Elizabeth, me, and Susan during one of my visits after camp

Bucky and me being crazy in the hallway late one night.

Elizabeth! My oprah watching, cheese it supplying, hug giving,
ambulance driving, source of endless laughter, smiles, and encouragement.
Love this girl so much!

Our last night together...
I was totally drugged out of my mind after a trip to the ER for kidney stones the day before.
My poor little sister was in the room next door, trying to get some sleep after flying in to Knoxville that evening on the worlds smallest plane so that she could drive me home. Apparently hardcore medication and driving are not recommended.

2005 Carson Newman Centrifuge Staff
Happy times.

I'm Just Here for the Music

Well, it was another great weekend here in good ole staff-town. I thought it was gonna rain and be gross, but it was actually really beautiful here. It's kind of my last weekend in town before I leave for camp at the end of the month, so it was so nice to spend time with my friends, having fun.

Friday night I hungout with some friends playing games. We played a new version of Cranium and then some boys vs. girls Catch Phrase. The girls dominated.

Then Saturday I went to Stacy's outdoor soccer game where it was hot as all get out and I even got a little sunburn (which isnt hard when your crazy pale). That night, Stacy, Bryan, Dru and I had another sushi night and then went to see the guys in Ill Angelic play a show here in town. It was a lot of fun.

Today, my sisters came in town for Mother's Day... so today was a family day. Fun times.

I hope this week flies by quickly. On friday I'm hopping on a plane and heading down to North Carolina for program training for camp. I am soooo excited about seeing so many of my favorite people... people that I've worked with in past summers and havent seen since camp ended. I'm a little nervous that I'm going to get overwhelmed with my financial director training... but this week I intend to spend a lot of time studying up and preparing as much as possible.

Camp is 3 weeks away.
I cant wait!

What is Love.. Baby Don't Hurt Me

Yeah, tonight I went over to hangout with the Griffitts family and we played American Idol Karaoke on their play station and now that ridiculous song ("What is Love") is stuck in my head. You'll be happy to know, that after three close rounds, your favorite friend Molly was selected as the new, American Idol. I sang, "Midnight Train to Georgia" and holy cow it was awful, then I did "Put Your Records On" and redeemed myself... but I think the song that won America over was Hinder's "Lips of an Angel." Everyone likes a good song about cheating.

Speaking of American Idol... Adam Lambert was in the bottom 3 this week. People just assume that because he's so amazing, someone else is voting for him and then give their votes to other people. PEOPLE... You need to vote. We love Adam and we will not leave our house for at least a month if he doesnt win. Watch Tuesday on Fox and VOTE.

With drag skills like this...
how could you not vote for him?!

This weekend was a great one.

Friday, my homie Stacy got us all tickets to the Nationals vs Cardinals game in DC. Stacy's friend Brian plays 3rd base for the Cardinals and so we got some sweet seats and got to meet him after the game. He and his wife are both really nice AND Brian was wearing a purple polo shirt when I met him, and so that automatically made him a winner in my book. I took some pictures of the game.. but they're on Stacy's camera... so I'll have to post them later. I had a lot of fun! 2 summers ago I worked with a bunch of crazies from southern Illinois who LOVE the Cardinals. I think I lost a bet or something and was forced to become a fan. I don't really watch baseball.. but if you ask me who my favorite team is, you'll definitely find out that I'm a Cardinals fan. Now I'm excited to know at least one of the players' names. :)


As I've mentioned on here before... two of my friends from college, Leigh Anne and TJ are getting married this summer, and this weekend was Leigh Anne's shower. It was a little bittersweet because a few months ago I was asked to be a bridesmaid, but will be unable to fulfil those duties because of camp. Working a camp like Fuge, with so many of us in the age range where our friends are getting married, they can't really let us all leave random weekends for weddings... especially since campers don't leave until saturday morning. I'm super sad about missing this wonderful event but am glad to be an "honorary bridesmaid". Leigh Anne and TJ have been dating since they were 16... and have overcome so much in their relationship. They were two of the first close friendships I made in my CNU days, and I'm just so happy for them both.

Erin (maid of honor) , Leigh Anne, and me

Erin (my roommate at both CNU and Longwood) also came down from NYC to celebrate with Leigh Anne. That girl comes down here so much... I need to get my booty up there to see her. It was a great day...very special indeed.

I wish that I could have stayed and hungout longer, but I had to get back to Stafford for our first Sudan team meeting. Let me just tell you how stinkin excited I am about going to Sudan for Thanksgiving (and my birthday)! The team is great and so diverse! Pray for me though... it's going to be a lot of hard work. It's incentive to keep losing weight and getting in shape for sure. I dont want to be the team's weakest link and more importantly, I want to be as much help as possible on this trip. Here's some bullet points of information:

*There's 12 of us on the team
*We're going to Yei, Sudan to Harvesters orphanage and school
*We'll be there 2 weeks building a classroom and leading 2 conferences (pastoral training and teacher training)
*I have to fly on tiny airplanes and I'm scared.
*The more weight I lose.. the more I can pack :)
*We're going from November in VA temperatures to November in Sudan temps (Avg 95-100). Yikes!
*I have to get lots of shots
*I have to raise $3000
*It's going to be awesome
*I am really excited

More information in the months to come. Hey, if you're interested in being on my support team (not just financial but prayer too!) hook me up with your mailing address and I'll send you a letter. :)

After the meeting, I went up to Bethesda with some friends to celebrate our friend Chris and his 27th birthday. It was a lot of fun... but let me tell you, I am too old to stay out until 4:30am. When my alarm went off for church this morning, I thought I was going to die. Not gonna lie.. I skipped church... but I'm okay with it because apparently Todd started a series on marriage, kicking off the first sermon with a talk about scandalousness. Sorry I missed it. :)

The birthday boy, Chris!



My lamely awesome friend Jon and me.
We like to take pictures when we hangout.

Well.... that's about all you're gonna get for an update from me. Hope you all had a fabulous weekend and that you have a great week ahead :)