Question #3... You know that's right.

This game is fun! I've loved reading all your responses!


What do you do to relax?

I used to read when I needed to chill out. I loooove reading. But since seminary, I've found myself getting bored easily and just wanting to find out how the book ends so I can get on with my life. It's sad. I think it's from having sooooo much reading while I was at DTS so that when I was reading a book, all I could think about was how I had 10 more books to get through before the end of the month. It was insane.

Other stuff I do instead would be listening to music and sleeping. Oh man I love sleeping and when I'm stressed out, that seems to be my answer to life. When I would have a huge paper to write or a big assignment to finish, if I started to get overwhelmed, I'd start to get sleepy. I'd give in, take a nap for an hour or so, and then wake up with a fresh perspective, ready to conquer the world. Sleep is wonderful.

I also like to put on my makeup. It's very calming. Maybe since I can't paint or draw, applying makeup is my creative outlet. If I show up looking like a circus clown because I went overboard on the makeup, it's probably safe to say that I was feeling stressed and decided to paint. So don't make fun of me if my makeup looks awful, instead give me a hug and ask me how I'm doing. Haha. sike. if i look dumb, someone better tell me!

YOUR TURN!

pride.

I am not a person that does well under pressure. Things like anger or frustration or passion fuel me to do better, but not stress and the pressure of possibly failing. In 11th grade, one of my swim coaches stood at the end of my lane yelling his head off during the district 100m fly event. He really wanted me to make a specific time so it would quality for regionals. There was so much pressure on that event, that I freaked and totally got my butt handed to me by a chick I'd beaten all season on my team. When she started to pull ahead of me in the race, my heart sank as I watched my Coach switch to her lane so he could yell in her face at the turn. Maybe it was the pressure or maybe it was his scary face at the end of my lane, I dont know, but I'm pretty sure it was the pressure.

BUT then I remember this one time one of my teammates was talking smack about how much better she was than me (and honestly, more times than not, she was)... and I still remember letting her know I'd heard what she said.. but I didnt get all upset and tell her off, which is totally what I normally would have done. Instead, that friday at our swim meet, I confidently stood on the block listening for the announcer to start our race. I looked ahead to the wall, saw my parents sitting on the pool chairs at the end of my lane, and knew that I absolutely was going to make this chick eat her words. I definitely did. The race was the 50 free. That race is always a close one because it's so short. I am defnitely a butterflyer.. freestyle wasn't my best stroke at all.. but when I slammed into the wall, giving my all during the entire race, I remember immediately picking my head to look at how close the race was, and hoping i'd beat this dumb girl who talks smack. It was then, as I ripped my goggles and swim cap off, that I realized I'd not only beat that girl, but I'd beat everyone else too... sure I'd won races before... but not by 1/4 of the pool, at least not in that particular race. The girls were just coming in under the flags or still had half a lap to go as I finished my race. I remember looking at my parents and my dad was on his feet standing in disbelief at how well I'd done. Then I saw that smile on his face, that I'd never forget. He was proud of me.

the smack talker came up and apologized to me and congratulated on my swim.
I dont do well under pressure, but put some anger or some passion behind it, and I'm driven.

I think it's a confidence thing. If I'm confident about something, I usually do really well at whatever I'm trying to attempt. If I'm not confident, then it's usually not pretty. The last summer I swam summer league, I was the oldest person on my team. Our neighborhood started a new team and my sister and I were practically recruited by different people on the board. Being the oldest, I was definitely more confident. I ended up being the MVP on the team for that season, and I know it's because of the confidence I felt. I didn't hold back. When I'm confident, I don't hold back.

It's hard though when your confidence turns to pride.
Pride is so evil and all consuming.
Pride affects how I look at others. How I treat others. How I ask for help.
Pride mostly affects my relationship with God.
When I'm prideful, I pretty much act as if I don't need Him.
Pride is dangerous.

I dont know how to fight pride in my life. In areas where I'm too prideful, I act like I don't need God... and in others where confidence is completely lacking, I act like He's not big enough. It's a hard line to walk.

Right now, I'm realizing all the ways that pride is holding me back from being a loving person, from being the person I know God created me to be. I'm also realizing the detrimental effect that not being confident can create... it makes me seek human approval, it makes me feel uncomfortable around other people, it makes me hate myself. It's sad. I wish I knew how to be confident without being prideful.

I say that I am nothing without Him, but I'm not living that way. I either think that I'm awesome and don't need Him... OR Satan tells me that I'm definitely nothing and don't deserve Him. It's hard to escape that mindset.

So, I've been reading alot of scripture lately in hopes of finding that perfect balance.. remembering that I'm fearfully and wonderfully made and that God loves me, but also that I was a sinner, condemned to die, but because of grace alone, He saved me. My confidence shouldn't be from my own abilities and achievements, but instead because of who Christ is in me. Anything good in me, anything good that's happened in my life, isn't because of anything I've done but because of Christ living in me.

And the fact that God chose me, to love me and call me His child, should spur me on to live confidently. I don't know why He picked me, but He did. To not have confidence in myself is to act like God isnt good enough, to act like his creation, me, is beyond His saving reach.

Confidence leads to pride, but so can a lack of it. Interesting.

Anyway, dont know why I'm sharing this. I'm just realizing the ways I've let pride consume my heart these last few months... sin is a tricky, messy thing. Sometimes its obvious. Sometimes it starts as something small, and then spreads like cancer, sometimes at as slow agonizing pace and others it's rapid like a wildfire.

Show me the fire hydrant and lets put this fire out.

80's and 90's Pop... you know you like it.

When I was little I knew all the words to Whitney Houston and Tina Turner's cds. ALL of the words. Please picture it now.



I do wanna dance with somebody, with somebody who loves me.

But really, what's love got to do with it anyway?

Letting Go.

I'm currently sitting in Panera and it's freezing cold in here! I'm trying to work on curriculum and it's going okay. There's too much going on in my life for me to be able to really focus well, but I'm listening to old school DC Talk and that's inspiring me some. I love DC Talk and I love live CDs and their Welcome To the Freak Show album is by far one of my favorites... I used to drive home from college and feel like I was attending one of their concerts during the 3 hour trip. They're the hotness... especially TobyMac.

Anyway, so in light of some situations I've found myself in over the last couple weeks, I'm beginning to realize what a hard time I have letting things go. Yesterday in church, Todd preached on anger and forgiveness and at the end of the service everyone was supposed to write the name of a person we felt owed us, someone we were carrying anger against... and then we were to ask God to give us the strength and ability to forgive that person so that we can let go of the anger that's holding us back from experiencing all that God has for us in our relationship with Him. Then, we were supposed to take that piece of paper up to the front and shred it.

I never quite made it to the shredder.

There's comfort in my anger. I hold on to that stuff because it helps protect me from being hurt again. If I hold on to it, there's no way I'll ever let anyone do that to me again.

It's not right. It doesn't feel good. But it's what I do.

I have a hard time letting go.

It's not all bad. I don't let go of people I love very easily. I don't let go of good memories and feelings. There aren't very many people who have relationships like I have. People are important to me.. and I hold tightly to those I love.

The same could be said for people, memories, and sitiatuations that aren't so good, that don't make me happy. that don't contribute anything positive to my life. It's hard to let go. It seems like as soon as i get the courage to move on from something, I get freaked out and just settle for what is known, even if it hurts.

how dumb.
Sometimes I dont make any sense. ridiculous!

Maybe it keeps coming up because it's finally time to change. Maybe I need to stop holding so tightly to things because I think they're easier than dealing with reality, with my feelings. I'm just scared to replace one kind of pain for another........... man, sometimes life is hard! :) I hate it when the stuff going on in my life matches up with what we talk about at church. haha. Too much thinking.


OH my... i can't feel my fingers. it's so cold in here.
I think today was a 1/2 day for the high schoolers because of exams, so this place is full of 'em. It's fun to listen to their conversations... haha. Oh to be 17 again!
Alright, laptop battery is dying.... until next time. :)

Uh oh.. QUESTION TWO!

oh man, I've loved reading your responses to question 1. How fun! Life has been a little crazy this week and I fully intended on blogging a little more, but just havent gotten around to it. I didn't really want to put questions one and two back to back, but alas, that's what's happening... hopefully you'll get some blog insights and updates between questions two and three.. but for now, I give you QUESTION 3!

Tell me about someone that has really impacted your life and helped to mold you into the person you are today.

Again, you can make your response as long or as short as you'd like.

I hope to be a person of positive influence, someone who helps people to be the best person they can be... so i'd love to hear about those people in your lives.

I've been really blessed to have a lot of really great influences. A lot of people have loved me and invested in me in hopes of seeing me turn out okay in the end. That's definitely still a work in progress, but the things I've learned from others are so valuable to me and I carry that stuff with me wherever I go.

The person that sticks out the most in my life is Mrs Cosner. She was my 9th grade sunday school teacher and our director of students while I was in high school. I'd stop by her office randomly in the afternoons after school and just talk her ear off... and most times, she'd stop whatever she was doing, and just listen. She'd listen to me talk about boys that were nothing but trouble. she'd listen to me talk about parties that my friends were going to.. or about a fight i'd gotten in with a friend. And then after I got all my talking out, she'd gently but sternly remind me of what i knew was right. I never felt pressure from her to make good choices, just genuine love and concern.. and i always knew that even when i didnt make the right choice, she'd love me anyway. She's still one of my best friends and a person that I always look to for wisdom and advice. She's such an example of what it means to be a Godly woman in a crazy world. I think that the years that she stood by me when i was a teenager were preparing me to have the kind of friendship we have now. She poured in to me above and beyond what her job required. She loved me through some of the hardest things while I was a high schooler.. and because of that, years later as an adult I would run to her house and cry in her arms after having my heart broken. I have a love for student ministry because of our relationship and because i hope to be to other students, what she's been to me. The world needs more Mrs. Cosners.

Your turn!

Question #1

I think every once in awhile... or maybe everyday, I'm going to post a question on here and I want you to answer it by leaving a comment. If you're going to stop by my blog, then you can take a hot second to answer my question. Feel free to write as little or as much as you want.

I read in one of my small group text books in seminary that as human beings our greatest desire is to know and be known. I want to know you.

I'll start with an easy one...

What was your favorite book as a kid and why?


My favorite book was "Where the Red Fern Grows." I loved my dog, Hilda when I was growing up. She was a black lab and lived to be 16 years old (thats crazy old for a lab) and so naturally reading a book about a boy and his love for his dogs tugged at my heart. I remember reading that book in the 5th grade as part of an independent study (because I was awesome and in the advanced reading group) and stayed up until 3am on a school night because I just couldn't put it down. This girl, Katie and I were the only ones in the class to read the book during that rotation and so when Ms. Kiss wanted to sit down and discuss it, Katie and I had our conferences together. Ms. Kiss asked us how we liked the book and immediately we both burst into tears. It's a beautifully written story that just captivated my imagination. I loved the historical part. I loved the fact that it was about 2 dogs. I loved that it was exciting...... and then I got to the end. How devasted I was.

Years later I would read that same book with my seminary roommate (and childhood friend), Ashley with just about the same outcome. Imagine two adults in their masters program, staying up reading 1 chapter each night before we went to sleep. When we got to the end of the book, that final, heartbreaking chapter, Ashley and I were both crying so hard we had trouble finishing the book... and when we did, we turned off the light and cried into our pillows.

It's a great book.

Your turn.

And don't worry, I'm long winded. You don't have to be if you don't want to.

Blog it up

I stinkin love reading people's blogs. I wish more of my friends had blogs. Because I was a professional college transferer and because I work with so many different and awesome people each summer, and because even while I was in college or seminary I still stayed in touch with a lot of my homies back home, I have a ton of different groups of friends. Without facebook and things like blogs, there's just no way I'd be able to stay in touch or keep up with everyone.

I've always been the kind of person who has found my worth in my friendships. I know that's not really a positive or healthy mindset to have, but hey, if I can't be honest on my own dang blog, then where the heck can I? It's not that I've needed a large quantity of friends... the quality has always been what's important to me.

I like to be in the know of what's going on in the lives of people that I love. Blogs... they make it so much easier. I know that reading someone's blog doesn't constitute a relationship and shouldnt substitute a real conversation... but blogs help me know when a phone call is in order or if a friend needs prayer. If you're going through something, do the world a favor (and by "world" I mean, me) and blog about it.

Blogs also help me to see a side of friends that maybe I didn't know existed. I've seen some incredible and beautiful writing from people I never knew had that talent. I've seen some vulnerability from people that are usually kind of closed off. And I especially love it when my friends write about what the Lord is showing them and then I end up feeling challeneged by what they've written.

I also love seeing pictures and reading about the everyday lives of my friends who live far away.

Blogs are great.
Checking my blog roll is one of my favorite things to do.
I also really like hearing from a friend who read something they liked in my blog, when I didn't even know they took the time to read my blog.

I dont know why people read my blog. I'm a rollercoaster of emotion. I post the most random junk on here and then every once in awhile I'll go through something and write a serious blog. It's those little snippets of seriousness that keep you coming back for more, isnt it? Maybe this week you'll get a good one. I've been going through a lot lately.... I think I'm becoming the antithesis of what a post seminary grad is supposed to be... disenchanted with the Christian bubble fo sho... who the heck wants to read about that mess? I dont want to think about it, let alone write about it................ but we'll see.

oh yeah...

You get TWO posts in one night.

Last week I drove up to NOVA and spent some time with my college roommates and my favorite CNU pal.... It was TJ's birthday so we went out to dinner and then had a pajama party. It was so much fun to spend time with those kids. Always a good time and always fun to laugh and reminisce.

Here are some pictures.

A small sampling of the night's goodness

Leigh Anne and me and her pig

The birthday boy, TJ!

Yay for Erin being in town from New York!

Snow Flurries

It's stinkin cold here in Stafford... and yet there's no snow! Although, I don't think I'm quite ready for snow. I haven't really driven in real snow since my last day of college in 2005. In case you weren't aware, snow in Texas is wimpy snow and rare. I graduated college in December and was soooo ready to get the heck off Liberty Mountain and so when I woke up to find inches of snow on the ground, my car covered, and a continued steady snowfall, I was determined not to get snowed in. I bundled up, bravely set out for my last final of my college career (I even went 2 hours early, 6 stinkin a.m. to take that thing), and then made my way to my car to head home. It took some help from my sweet friends that lived next door and my roommate, but we got my car uncovered and dug out of my parking spot... and soon enough I was slip sliding my way to the highway.

I can't even tell you how many time I thought I was going to die on that drive home. The curvy roads and kamikaze deer... it was scary.

I am not a snow driver.
At least I know my weaknesses.
Oh boy, do I know my weaknesses.
I hate being self-aware.

I think that more people in America need to be more self aware.

American Idol: seriously, did you really think you were going to walk in there and NOT get made fun of? Seriously?!


I on the other hand wish that I was more blissfully ignorant to my shortcomings. Nothing is worse than doing something dumb and then being fully aware of just how dumb you looked.
I think being so self aware is holding me back.
BUT...
Maybe I'm not really self aware. Maybe where some people are clueless, I'm overly aware and because I'm slightly self absorbed, I assume people are thinking I'm lame and making fun of me, when really they don't give a crap at all.

hmm.. how do you overcome that?


This week I'm going to be spending a lot of time working on curriculum. I made a good dent last week, but oh there's still so much to do. I'm also desperately in need of getting back to swimming. I'm sooooo tired all the time and I think it's because I'm not getting enough exercise. I've thought about joining an adult swim team in the area but I think I'd die if a 50 year old could swim me under the table. That would be embarassing. :)


Can you tell I'm up to lots of new and exciting things?! Be jealous.

India

So in the summer of 2004 I went to India on behalf of my church's student ministry. The students spent a year raising money to support an orphanage in Idukki, Kerala which is a state in southern India. The youth pastor at the time (who is now our senior pastor, Todd) took 4 of us college students and another hardcore adult over to see where the students hard earned moolah was going toward. It was also kind of a test run to see what it would be like to bring students the following summer. Apparently there's less liability when you take 20 somethings rather than teenagers ;)

Today, in church we had a special guest that really just stirred up so many great memories from my 2 week trip to one of the most beautiful places on earth. Pastor Varghese (dude, I know I'm spelling his name wrong), who hosted us while we were in Kerala, is here in the states for a couple weeks because his daughter just started college at Liberty, and he gave his testimony in all 3 of our services. I was surprised that he remembered me, since it was 5 years ago that I went over there, but he greeted me with a big smile and handshake. I had lunch over at Todd's house with some of the other people who went to India with us and it was just fun to laugh and remember that trip. Rather than recap everything in great detail, I'm going to put some highlights into bullet points. Get excited:

5 Years ago, in India...

*I took the longest stinkin plane ride of my life.
*I visited 5 different orphanages, filled with the most beautiful children I'd ever seen.
*I got carsick for the first time ever, kissed the ground when I reached my destination, and praised JESUS that we have seatbelts in America.
*I rode an elephant... holy cow those things are HUGE and hairy and prickly!
*I got the nickname "Masalla" which is a hot, spicy dish in India because apparently Indian men enjoy voluptuous women who aren't afraid to make eye contact.
*I woke many mornings to the sound of children joyfully singing praises to God as they brushed their teeth.
*I shared a twin bed with my friend Ashley, with a hoodie over my face so the bugs didn't crawl on me.
*I busted my ace of base and got a HUGE gash on my elbow... which left a sweet scar to talk about.
*I ate pineapple, and only pineapple for 10 days. Indian food + Molly = enemies I was too chicken to even try 1/2 that stuff. I hope if I ever go back that I'm grown up enough now to be more brave and less rude
*I saw waterfalls.. sooo many waterfalls
*I saw monkeys who throw poop at people
*I saw a Hindu funeral and witnessed mourning in a different culture and religion... very interesting.
*I talked American politics with a strange Indian man on the streets of a town we were in while the guys were using the STDs (duh, thats what the phone was called!)
*I showered with tad poles swimming in through the faucet
*I saw poverty in a way that I had never seen firsthand
*I worshipped in many different churches along the way and prayed over a lot of different people.
*I saw the Indian ocean... I would have put my feet in it, but uh, that mess was dirty :)
*I shared Christ with a college aged, Hindu street vendor
*I was taken around the yard of one of the orphanages and taught the names of different flowers as the kids made me a beautiful bouquet.
*I ran into one of my friends from college while I was at one of the orphanages.. how random!
*I heard story after story of God's unfailing love, grace, and provision.
*I got more hugs than I knew what to do with
*I had my heart captured by a little girl named Anu, whom I still pray for regularly
*I began the process of letting go of something back home while I journaled, prayed, and stared out at the tea fields and mountains from the balcony of our hotel (we stayed in orphanages every night but 2) in Munar.
*I got so sick and thought I was dying from malaria as soon as we got home.
*I sang songs, told stories, and played games with some really wonderful children.
*Mostly I realized how big the world is and how self absorbed I can be. I learned to be thankful and to not hold on to material things so tightly. I learned that the Christian faith, a relationship with Jesus crosses cultural borders, economic statuses, and ages. And... I realized there's a whole beautiful creation out there that's out there waiting for us to come and enjoy it and to give God glory.


Oh man, there are so many good memories. Unfortunately my old computer crashed and I haven't taken the time to get pictures from others on our trip. So this is the only one I've got (other than lots of hard copies). India is a beautiful place and while I was there I realized that kids are kids no matter where they're from... and India is filled with beautiful children who love to be loved and thanks to Emmanuel Ministries are learning about a Savior who loves them. If you've never been to India.. you should go! It will change your life!

Christmas Pictures

I stole most of these pictures from other people, but I thought I'd post them in my endeavor to blog more frequently and show pictures of my exciting life.

A day or so after Christmas I got to go hangout at one of my favorite places on earth, the Meadows' house with some of my favorite people... AND I got to meet the newest addition little baby Payton! This is me and Payton, Amanda, Kimberly and Izzie, and Priscilla... and of course Jess wasn't far from our minds and was there in our hearts. :)

Then, when I was in high school I was blessed to have an incredible friend Melinda who was like an older sister to me as I walked through the insanity of being a teenager and growing in my faith. She taught me so much about life and had such a positive influence on me... so when she came into town to see her family for Christmas, I jumped at the chance to see her. This is the newest addition to their family, little Parker (she also has an adorable daughter). He was pretty exciting... even though he was unconscious most of the time.
I also got to see Carol and Jeremy and meet their son Soren.... and he's definitely adorable! That visit was just awesome to get to see everyone. A very happy morning.

Stacy and Lance came into town for a night and so I got to see one of my best friends Stacy. She wrote on her blog how we've known eachother for 15 stinkin years. That's a long time for a couple of military brats to be able to maintain friendships. She's known me longer (consistently) than any other friend I know. Pretty crazy.
This picture was taken while the boys cheated their way through a game of "battle of the sexes." :) Actually, they unfortunately won honestly.

And this is Melissa, Lauren, and me on our way to dinner on New Years Eve.

Word to your mother.

A few things:

1. I stinking need to get working on this curriculum stuff I'm writing for LifeWay. This creative process is proving to be harder than I thought and my confidence is waning.

2. I don't think I've actually ever personally used the word, "waning" before.

3. Yesterday I procrastinated by reading John Piper's book, "Spectacular Sins and Their Global Purpose in the Glory of Christ" and it totally rocks. It's so short and so easy to read (at least for Piper's stuff anyway) and it did an amazing job of explaining some things to me that others have just made me laugh at them for saying (you know those people who say they believe something, but when they try to explain it, they sound like idiots?!). I'm going to read it again and maybe I'll post a blog about the things that stick out to me.

4. I am ready for the public schools to start back up so that I can get back to swimming... right now the school's swim teams come at all hours of the day instead of their scheduled hours because of Christmas break and that place is a madhouse. Swimming + working out with Erin and Ashleigh... I'm gonna be the hotness before I know it. ;) HAHAHA just kidding. That's weird...

5. New Years Eve was an eye opening and slightly difficult evening for this American. I had fun but it definitely put some things into perspective and kind of gave me some things to work on in the coming year... to really work on them, not stuff them away and think that not thinking about them will somehow make them disappear. AND I was also reminded of what a blessing I have in two dear friends... so as hard as that night was for me in a lot of ways, I definitely didn't feel alone and I definitely don't feel overwhelmed by what that night revealed to me. vague, I know. deal with it. :)

6. My friend and pastor, Todd lent me a book called, "In a Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day." It's about overcoming fears or conquering things that might be keeping you from truly living the life God has planned for you. He handed me the book, told me to read it, and basically told me to stop making excuses and to have courage about what God has planned for me. I've only read a little bit of it because I'm scared of what it's going to say. There's a strange comfort in the self absorbed world of wimpiness.

7. I really want to move to Nashville... like tomorrow. i miss my people.

8. Over Christmas break I got to meet lots of babies and see a bunch of people I hadn't seen in awhile... and that made me happy.

9. Today I bought jeans for 12 bucks. They're kind of redneck, teeny bopper jeans... but seriously, if I'm going to go down in jean sizes every month, then I think I'll just have to suffer in 12 dollar redneck jeans until I'm done losing weight.

10. I couldn't end this blog with 9 points. 10 seems much more final.

I've had requests to blog more often.. and since my life is relatively boring, this is the kind of random junk you have to look forward to. Try not to get too excited.