Meet Virginia.

So I've been home for about a month now. woo. I'm still looking for a job, although I have to admit, I haven't been trying as hard as I know I could. Mostly, I just don't know what the heck I'm doing with my life! haha. I went to a job interview the other day and I seriously felt sick during the whole thing. The interview went fine I guess. I was really nervous, but mostly as they were asking me all these questions all I could think about was that I had just spent the last 6 years of my life studying theology and student ministry... so that I wouldn't ever have to have a job that I wasnt passionate about, so that I wouldn't ever have to sit behind a computer screen working a ridiculous 9 to 5. I know I'm capable of doing the job that I interviewed for... but why? I don't know if I'll get offered the position. I mostly feel like I left neither a good nor a bad impression. A non-impression per se. It's hard to focus on smart and witty answers when your hands are shaking and you want to cry. haha. My hearts just not been into this job search.... so I'm changing directions. Lets pray that I find what I'm looking for, what God desires for me, and that I don't settle. I have amazing parents who are trying really hard to be supportive.. but I also have two sisters who are completely rocking the real world and I am just paralyzed with fear over the fact that after years and years of my parents support, I might end up to be a disappointment.

I realized today that I'm struggling to trust the Lord, to trust that my calling into ministry was real and that He will provide for me. I feel like I have just made too many bad decisions, fallen into too many sins, disobeyed too often; so much so that I am undeserving of His blessings, undeserving of His care and love. 6 years of theology tells me that He loves me unconditionally-- but sometimes your brain tells you one thing and your heart screams out another. The only reason I was looking for typical northern virginia jobs was because I wanted to make money to pay off my seminary loans quickly, I wanted to make money so my parents wouldnt worry about me and I wouldn't have to depend on them. I constantly worry about money.. which is soooo lame. I always have enough, aside from school, I'm not in debt and I know my parents would never let me be homeless. So my changing directions and looking in different places for positions, it's me trying to step out in faith to say that I know I was called into ministry and I know because of that calling, the Lord will provide.. somehow.

Anyway... aside from that ridiculousness...
It's good to be home. I've gotten to see my sisters a couple times since coming home and have had PLENTY of hangout time with the parental unit. I still have a couple friends that are still in Stafford and the ones that are here are incredible. It's been fun to catch up and live life with people that I've had long distance friendships with for the last 3 years. One of my best friends in the world Jessica is home from Iraq for a couple weeks and that's been great. I didn't realize how much I worried about her, since I'm always trying to be hopeful and positive about the situation.. but when I saw her for the first time, I felt as if I was finally able to breathe a huge sigh of relief. How the heck am I going to let her go back to that awful place in a couple weeks?? I'm telling you, that alone is enough to make me vote for Obama. ;) I like to nickname the democrats' plans to schedule a pullout date for us in Iraq as the "Bring Jess Home plan." I like it.
(haha please dont comment about politics on my blog or I will just laugh at you.)

Since I have soooo much free time, I've gotten to read a lot, catch up with old friends, and check out some awesome new music. Right now I'm listening to Jimmy Needham who rocks, and Charlie Hall's new CD is pretty much the hotness. Music makes everything better. Who needs a job when you have music??

So anyway, that's me.. for the 1 person that reads this.

I'm trying not to be discouraged. I'm trying to trust in His unfailing love and faithfulness. I'm trying to wait and be patient in SO MAN Y different areas of my life... and to not be sad if they're not turning out the way I very much hoped they would. I'm trying to get to the root of my doubt and feelings that He's not close. Perhaps there is a sin in my life that needs to be addressed? Perhaps I'm not in the Word as much as I should? Maybe its a bunch of different things. OR... maybe I'm just looking past Him. It's funny how sometimes we miss the most obvious things, things that are right in front of us.

He is so good. He always provides, even if its not how I expected. I saw the Lord do great and mighty things this summer in the lives of my students... there's no reason that same God that reached down and healed the broken, that brought the prodigal home, that brought healing and peace; there's no reason that same God can't continue to mold my broken, sinful heart into something that He is proud of and someone He wants to use to bring glory to His name and to take hope to a broken world.

So I wait.

"Who will save me from this death
Who will save me from this death
Jesus won.
Jesus won, filled the divide
All glory, all honor be to the God that filled the divide."

Be Patient

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart... Try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given to you, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer." Rainer Maria Rilke

Camp pictures

Charlie Hall was our worship leader week 5...
I was pretty stoked about that mess.

Pablo the Bear... RIP.

Kim and Tony were there for 2 weeks and that was pretty great.

Pictures

"Christmas Eve" wearing our tacky t-shirts in Santa Fe

Mega Relay... oh so hardcore.

My roommates Amanda and Emily.
They loved to torture me regularly.

Jeremy Wicker... pretty much the most amazing director ever.
Wilson Philips doesnt stand a chance against this kid.

Trust falling.. trying not to cry in front of my students. :)

more pictures from camp

Lynsey and me at staff appreciation.
This girl saved my life this summer.

Dinah and me.
My comic relief when I needed it most.

Rhett Marley... song writer of the world.

Taylor and Drew. Amazing.

Sleep deprived but still smiling.

Home Sweet (??) Home

I'm finally home from another great summer of camp! This summer I worked for Fuge in Glorieta, New Mexico as an 11^th and 12^th grade Bible study leader and led the volleyball and battleball tracks. I would say, looking back, it was probably my best summer of camp thus far. I've worked 4 summers now, and even though each summer was great and special in its own way, this summer was definitely a summer of growth and experience for me personally. I was challenged everyday by my peers and our leadership staff, and because of their example, it made me want to try harder and strive to be more like Christ in everything that I did. I was definitely a better staffer this summer because of who the Lord chose for me to work with. We had an awesome team out there and that showed in so much of the ministry we did.

I was in New Mexico for 8 ½ weeks and had 7 weeks of students. The first 5 weeks we have about 1000 students each week and then the last two we shrunk down to about 600. It's hard for me to believe just how many students I came in contact with in such a short period of time, and the things I was able to see Him do in their lives. It was incredible to watch students come to grips with addictions and admit bitterness they harbored, and then to watch the Lord begin the process of freeing them from that bondage, or to watch the Lord draw a student whose heart was so hardened against the Gospel to Himself. I was able to step back and watch 34 11^th and 12^th graders who are often easily swayed to be selfish and self centered (aren't we all?!), completely abandon their own ambitions and desires, for a sweet little girl with down syndrome who loved more than I ever knew a person could. There were many moments where I would get choked up because I was watching students minister to students which is one of my favorite parts of camp ministry, and see the potential that each one of them has to impact the Kingdom and to do things in this world that have eternal significance beyond what we can truly comprehend. I really can't believe I got paid to do what I did all summer, and I'm so humbled and thankful the Lord gave me the opportunity to serve for another summer of camp.

My staff this summer was so amazing and there isn't one person that I didn't walk away from without having learned something. I had two incredible roommates that made me laugh when I was struggling and who were just constant support and encouragers. They were such a blessing, more times than they probably realize. My director and so many people on our team were so centered on prayer and were so burdened for students and people on site this summer. It was beautiful to see and to know that I could turn to them for prayer anytime I needed it. There were quite a few occasions where we as a staff would find ourselves praying for specific students while trying to hold back tears. We really did bear one another's burdens this summer and now I feel like I have 35 new family members. I was never in need of love or encouragement because the Lord placed so many people that that came naturally for, and it showed me so much about myself and the walls I've put up toward other people over the years. It's definitely a process, but perhaps some of those walls began to be broken down this summer.

As a staff we faced some difficult things from pretty early on in the summer. Things that were really sad, things that were scary, and things that were just plain difficult to understand, but each time something new came up, we just gave it to the Lord. We were so tired and so busy with the craziness of camp, other than giving up, there really wasn't anything left for us to do but surrender it all to Him. He is so faithful! The Lord brought us through so much of the unexpected and brought us all closer together in the midst of it all. It was difficult the first couple weeks when it seemed that at every turn something scary or sad was happening, whether that be things with our students, our parents back home, or the unexpected happening to our Glorieta family. The Lord was so faithful to renew our hope and to continually give us the strength to continue ministering to the students He brought to us. It was only because of Him that we could go on, and only because of Him that we were able to be joyful in the midst of trials.

The 36 of us lived in a house on Glorieta's campus, tucked in one of the most beautiful mountain landscapes. The weather was awesome, no humidity and low temperatures for at least part of the day, each day. Glorieta is near Santa Fe which is one of the most spiritually dark places I've ever been. Those people need Jesus, and there's just not enough Christians out there to show Him to them. Santa Fe is a very "spiritual" place where everyone believes there's something bigger out there, but they're looking for God in the most random places. We had a bunch of M-Fuge groups go out into the community, while Centrifuge students stayed on campus, and they just had a huge impact. A few went and did habitat for humanity projects in the city, some went to nursing homes and built relationships there, while others went to apartment complexes and parks and spent time sharing the Gospel there. It was so neat to see things that we prayed for, salvations on sight, and conversations, come to fruition as the summer went on. God is good and answered so many of our prayers. I pray that next summer's M-fuge groups can continue the work that was started there this summer.

It was neat working a combo camp with X-fuge attached to it because we got to switch up our bands and speakers almost every week. Kim and Tony Merida were there for two weeks with Addison Road, and that was awesome. Addison Road jumped right into camp full force, and it was just nice to have a little piece of home with Kim and Tony being there. Wes Hamilton was the speaker the week that Charlie Hall was there and holy cow they brought it. So much of what Charlie was singing about and Wes preached about, had to do with freedom and just being made new in Christ, which is exactly what so many teenagers need to hear, knowing that the sin in their life doesn't have to define who they are, through Christ they can overcome anything. It's insane what students are struggling with and the pain they're carrying. That week was incredible for me personally as well. Besides Charlie Hall and Addison Road, we had the amazingly awesome Daniel Doss Band play for a week, and then the last 2 weeks of camp we had the Trae Castles Band lead worship. All four of those bands are incredible and everyone and their mom should check them out and support their ministries because they were just great…. Well except for drummers who kick stage managers and guitarists who hurt people, but that's a story for another day.

Overall, this summer was a reminder of God's faithfulness and a time where I could get away and remember the simplicity and beauty of grace. I think I lost sight of so much while I was in seminary. It's true that I learned a lot while at DTS, but I kind of got lost in all too. When you're talking to a student about the craziness of her life, all of sudden eschatology, ecclesiology, and all that other mumbo jumbo doesn't matter anymore. What matters most is that Christ died for you and wants to have a relationship with you, and He wants to save you from this bondage you've found yourself in…

I have much to be thankful for. The Lord blessed me so much this summer and allowed me to watch Him work in ways I never would have imagined. When I left in May I was sort of dreading the summer, but I know now that as I find myself back home, looking for a job, and unsure where to go next, that He is faithful, that He is sovereign, and that He does have my very best interests at heart. I know I can be at peace.